Another Interview

I was recently asked to answer some more questions about my life as a professional athlete’s wife.  I find it really neat that people are starting to wonder more about the role the woman of the family plays in this lifestyle, so I am always willing to answer any questions I can.  If any other wives or girlfriends of professional athletes out there are willing to answer these types of questions, please leave me a comment and I will pass your information along to the Columbia University grad. student who is working on this class project.

How did you and Joe meet?
I have provided the in-depth story of how we met on my blog at this link.

Were you ever concerned about marrying a professional athlete with some of the stereotypes attached to his profession?
I was definitely leery at first with dating Joe before I knew what his relationship with God was like and the things he stood for. In every marriage, the threat of adultery is real because we are all sinners with hearts that are imperfect. But for us, the foundation upon which we have built our marriage (the Bible, which says that marriage and sacred and that wise marriages set up boundaries) has been a good starting point for us.

I did struggle with the social aspect of his profession at first though. There is lots of “small talk” involved with fans and other people and when we were first dating, I wasn’t a huge fan of this aspect of the life. In sharing these concerns with Joe, he rightly spoke that God would use this in a good way in my life. I have seen God take a shy, insecure college girl and make her into a wife and mother who enjoys using this life to bring God glory and help others.

How does it feel having him in Italy when you are home in the states?
Being apart for us is very tough. The longest we have ever spent apart is 4 weeks. This is a choice we have made consciously. We are extremely close and work very much as a unit in our marriage and parenting. We feed off of one another’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as just enjoying one another’s company more than anyone else in the world! We also don’t feel it is wise for our marriage to open up the door to temptation by spending long periods apart. We also see the benefit of our children having both parents with them as much as possible. To have their father in the home as a leader is something that is extremely important to us, so when we are apart, there is definitely a different air in the home.

What stereotypes do you feel you face as an athlete’s wife?
There are plenty of stereotypes out there, but for the most part, I think you can choose about whether you want to let those stereotypes affect you or not. I may get comments on my blog that are not always so kind, but for the most part, I try to not read any other media outlets where people are venting on Joe or myself (usually there are fan sites where people feel like they have the expertise to vent on basketball and players specifically).

I know some people feel like many of the wives are just women who are there to basically just stand by their husband’s side quietly. Although I am fully joyful to be the “helper fit for Joe” (Genesis 2:18), that involves a lot of work that is more than just showing up to his games looking pretty (not saying I do that ever!) I take my job seriously as his wife to encourage him in areas of victory, challenge him in areas of sin, care for his basic needs and find ways to bless him so that he can thrive in the job as a husband, father and basketball player. It is really a privilege to journey together on this road of life.

How do you maintain a strong marriage?
There are a couple of components I would say are pretty big for us. First of all, we entered into marriage with someone that we agree on the big issues of life with. This made things a lot easier for us. We agree not only that Jesus is the only way to heaven, but also on some big theological issues (how people are saved, the role of men and women in families, the church and the world, how children should be raised, etc.) that have kept us from many arguments! Not that we haven’t had to work and struggle through things, but since we both believe the Bible to be the ultimate authority in life and that there are good (and bad) teachers of the Bible who can help us learn and expound on things, it has kept our marriage from being found on a “Well, I feel like…” We can base our marriage on what is truth and real, not always what each of our own felt needs are.

One big conviction Joe has always held is to never go to bed (or away from each other if we can help it) angry. He is a little crazy on keeping this one at times, actually. He takes our marriage very seriously and places such a high priority on it that he truly can do nothing else if we are not at rest with one another. This doesn’t mean we have to come to an agreement, but he is always lovingly making sure there is no root of bitterness, anger or resentment anywhere between us. Having a man who is so committed to keeping our emotions in marriage pure, helps us to keep our actions pure as well. Most problems in marriage don’t just come out of no where. They come from years of bitter, angry roots taking place that eventually grow into huge problems.

We also try and keep up date times whenever we can. We realize that with 3 young children (soon to be 4, Lord-willing) it is very easy to become consumed with their needs and wants. Children need a ton of care and are very vocal about expressing it. We really need to take time to step back from them and look at how our relationship is going apart from them. Date times are a great way to do this. Our children are not going to live with us forever, but we are in this marriage until death do us part, so it is important for us to continually be improving in our marriage. This means learning about one another, studying each other and asking ways we can improve, evaluating different seasons of life and how we can best serve and love one another, and consistently asking about struggles in each others lives and how we can be praying for each other.

There is so much more I could say in this area that I think is big: keeping up a healthy, growing sex life, managing finances well, communicating with respect and honor (especially in public settings), etc.

Why has your marriage survived when so many others don’t seem to withstand the professional athlete lifestyle?
More than anything, every gift we have is the mercy of God. There is nothing we can claim as having done ourselves. Even the foundations that I mentioned we have built our marriage upon are a gracious gift of God. Even as we have worked to implement these truths, we know it is from God’s hand. We daily pray for wisdom for our marriage, protection for our marriage and the opportunity to show God’s goodness and love through it.

One specific area I have seen destroy many marriages in the professional athletics life style (either by divorce or simply by deteriorating the marriage from within) is the area of selfishness and lack of service to one another. I see this especially in a lot of the other women that I hear talk about this lifestyle. So many get so caught up in the fact that they have given up so much for the man in their life. You hear lots of things like “What about the woman behind the man?” They are so concerned with getting due credit for what they are doing that they are completely missing out on the joy that comes from serving. Jesus says in Matthew 23:11-12 “The greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” Our greatest joy comes in forgetting ourselves and looking to show God as great. When we are so consumed with the praise we are ourselves are not getting, we not only make ourselves miserable, but others around us too. Obviously this is much easier to do when you are married to a man who has the same conviction of being a servant. But blessing even comes when we are loving and giving ourselves to those who are in no way returning that love. When we are looking to God for our happiness, we can do this with joy and freedom. When you view life from the cross of Jesus, your perspective is different. Instead of thinking of all that you deserve, you realize all that you have been saved from. Your life is not about getting your due, but about overflowing in thankfulness that you didn’t get what you really deserved! You see yourself as God does, as a sinner saved from hell by the gracious gift of Jesus dying on the cross. You are a work in progress and so is everyone else around you. It frees you to allow God to work in their lives and in your own life.

How do your children feel about your husband’s job?
When I asked my oldest two children (Abby, age 6, and Elijah, age 4) what they thought about Daddy being a professional basketball player, they both said, “It’s cool!” I think they both appreciate that he does have a really neat job that affords us lots of special opportunities in life. Abby has gotten to the age where she is starting to wonder why so many people make such a big deal about Daddy though!

There are times you can sense resentment for the moving we have to do though. There are tears from missing friends or our house or their toys. You can sense at times a desire to just be in one place with a “normal” life, but these are always great opportunities to speak of being thankful for all that we have, content in any circumstances and to persevere through trials. Those are huge life lessons that we are able to deal with at a young age because of Joe’s job. I see this as a huge blessing to the kids and one that puts them ahead of many their own young age.