Since I have written on it numerous times, it would be hard for the simplification of my social media not to make the top 10 of 2011 list.  Back in November, I read the following quotes from the Vitamin Z blog that quoted John Dyer’s book “From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology” and knew that I was making changes that were healthy for me personally:

“When technology has distracted us to the point that we no longer examine it, it gains the greatest opportunity to enslave us.”

“We use our idols fundamentally as a way of meeting our needs apart from God, and this is our greatest temptation with technology—to use it as a substitute for God.”

I started off 2011 as a user of Twitter, Facebook (where I had a personal profile, along with a page for my blog and for Joe) 2 blogs, Good Reads and added in Instagram during the year. Throughout the year I slowly started pruning myself away from social media, first by simplifying the things I was using and then by disengaging from various platforms of social media.

Again, this in no way means I have set the correct path everyone should follow, but it was such a good year for me for really thinking through why I interacted with the social media in the way that I did. And from that thinking came changes and those changes brought better core relationships, a more productive use of my time and an overall freedom from many of the sinful struggles I saw residing in my heart. And for me that is a very significant change that I am thankful came in 2011.

Today I want to finish up on one last point of conviction that I felt when reading Unfriend Yourself by Kyle Tennant. And this last point is what I think ultimately brought me to the point of shutting down my Facebook account. The third promise he says that Facebook (and other social media makes is):

COMMUNITY CAN BE FOUND ANYWHERE

What eventually made me decide to shut down Facebook was when I took a hard look at my relationships. I knew lots of “facts” about “friends” that I didn’t really know all that well. And felt more “connected” to them. But it wasn’t true community or relationships. Mr. Tennant says this about community:

The truth is, community—true community, where we find intimacy and authenticity—requires a lot more than a simple message. Yet, we are easily deceived, and we easily accept off-brand community when we should be partaking of the real deal.

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 263-265). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

While we would love to believe that social media can give us a place to “know and be known,” the question is whether that can happen through mediated communication. Sure, I can read about someone’s burdens and joys, but can I truly weep with those who weep when they are in their house and I am in mine? I don’t think so. I can weep for them but certainly not with them. I would argue that community, as biblically defined and God given, is not possible online. First, we have to remember that there has been a fundamental confusion about the words network and community. At the most basic level, we cannot expect community from something intended for a network. “When technology engineers intimacy, relationships can be reduced to mere connections. And then, easy connection becomes redefined as intimacy.”34 Further, we have to ask if community is possible when, as noted earlier, social media is so based on the self. “For all the rhetoric about cyber-community, the Internet is less a forum for shared public life than an arena for individuals to express their egos and find information in tune with their personal needs and desires.”35 When the network is based on the self, it becomes incredibly difficult to “love one another earnestly from a pure heart” (1 Peter 1:22). Love “does not insist on its own. and doesn’t “boast” (1 Corinthians 13:5, 4). The hallmark value of Christian community is love: “Above all these put on love,” says Paul (Colossians 3:14). Clearly, we have a problem when we seek community on a medium that is more about us than it is about others.

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 417-430). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

I realized I was taking the “easy” way out when it came to relationships. Just writing on someone’s wall for their birthday isn’t really that big of a deal. Calling them or sending a card is much more meaningful. And as the book goes on to say, relationships require sacrifice:

Sociologists call the best kind of community relationships “strong ties.” These are deep, meaningful relationships that motivate us to action and to change. By contrast, “the platforms of social media are weak ties.”39 While weak ties have their own kind of power, they are only effective “at increasing participation—by lessening the level of motivation that participation requires.”40 In short, the community on Facebook is the lazy kind. Whereas true community requires hard work (“love one another earnestly,” writes Peter), social media provide us a kind of community that requires little of us. “In other words,” writes Malcolm Gladwell, “Facebook activism succeeds not by motivating people to make a real sacrifice but by motivating them to do the things that people do when they are not motivated enough to make a real sacrifice.”41

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 448-456). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

I realized Facebook was indeed making me lazy in my relationships. Not only was I lazy in letting others what was REALLY going on in my own life, but I was lazy in REALLY knowing what was happening in their lives. I felt like I was “connected” to them, but I didn’t really know much more than surface things.

Mr. Tennant used a very simple, helpful graph in the book showing the difference between the amount of effort a communication requires and the amount of impact it makes on a relationship. Not surprisingly, the more effort something takes, the more meaningful it is to the relationship. The order Mr. Tennant prescribed for communication from least effort to great effort (and thus least impact to greatest impact) was:

1. Text Message
2. Social Media
3. E-Mail
4. Hand Written Noe
5. Phone Call
6. In-Person Visit

The only place I would disagree a little bit with this is in terms of writing to someone.  I do think that at times, the written word is more powerful than the spoken word.  I have had some of the most encouraging things given to me in the written form, that I know could not have been said in the same way.  And in turn, there are times that only writing things to a person could truly get across what I wanted to say to encourage them.

But this part did get me thinking about our lifestyle in particular.  Joe has always been very bothered by how out of community we are in living overseas.  I have always said that we are lucky to have technology like email, Skype, various iPhone apps, etc. to keep in touch with these people.  But in reading this, I was really convicted about how they can’t be relationships as deep as they could be because you are physically away from people.

I am going to tread on thin ice here and say that I think this is a huge area of weakness for the majority of the Basket Wives I have had any sort of contact with.  I think in general, we tend to be lonely due to the lessened contact with others in person, and because of that, we turn to social media almost as a drug.  I have seen many wives (myself included) form strong “bonds” with other Basket Wives over the internet that they have never even met in person.  I do think it is wonderful to have the connection with other wives in a similar situation, but when these women that you have never even shared the same room with become your best friends, I think there is a problem.  And I think social media is being used to mask loneliness.  Mr. Tennant experienced this himself when he was away on a missions trip and says:

In that moment, I realized that I was using Facebook as a kind of narcotic to numb my aching soul. Unable to spend time with my friends and family, I did the next best thing: I peered into my friends’ lives with a kind of voyeuristic desire I’d never experienced before. I became a peeping Tom, eavesdropping into my friends’ lives as a kind of substitute for being in their presence. This was another time that I began to wonder whether Facebook really was just a simple tool, a plaything. This was when I began to wonder if Facebook and social media had a power that I hadn’t expected, a power to appeal to our souls with a false balm for their pains.

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 336-341). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

And I have experienced loneliness. I can remember the feeling of being completely by myself the first time we moved abroad to Greece in 2003. And this was in the time of dial-up internet, before I knew of Skype and way before social media. My mom would buy calling cards to call me and I would e-mail a few people. That was it. But you know what? I wouldn’t change it all for anything in the world. The solitude was a precious gift of God to give me time to listen to Him in prayer and in reading the Word, to take walks and listen to sermons, to exercise and take care of my body, and to simply “be”. I think a lot of times in this day in age, we are afraid of silence. We are afraid not to be “connected”. And that fear is a sin and a sickness in most cases. I think a lot of people are afraid of what they might hear if they let all the noise die down.

So having said all of this about Facebook, I am still not saying I would NEVER be back on again. The author himself uses Facebook because he is a youth pastor and that is simply the way he can keep in touch with and gather his students. We don’t have to completely condemn culture. Mr. Tennant quotes Andy Crouch from his book Culture Making: Recovering Our Creative Calling
in saying:

“However, if all we do is condemn culture,” Crouch points out, “especially if we mostly just talk amongst ourselves, mutually agreeing how bad things are becoming—we are very unlikely indeed to have any cultural effect.”48 As I considered simply condemning social media, I realized with Crouch’s help that simply saying no and shutting off my Facebook profile wouldn’t do anything. Why? Because condemnation rarely leads to lasting change. This is why Crouch suggests a fifth way of engaging culture: creation.

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 520-524). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

We can be different on Facebook and create a new culture. We don’t have to be like everyone else, but it takes a lot of effort. And that effort is just not something I am up for right now because I don’t think Facebook is necessary for my priority relationships at this stage of my life. But if I do join again I want to embody what Neil Postman wrote:

Postman writes that we must be “resistance fighters” to the technological takeover of the world.63 He explains that “a technological resistance fighter maintains … [a] distance from any technology, so that it always appears somewhat strange, never inevitable, never natural.”64

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 673-676). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

Here are a few other thoughts I had if I would ever decide to join Facebook again:

1. I would only be “friends” with people that I am truly friends with. Although it might seem cruel to some people, I would use Facebook as a supplement to the relationships that are already in place. So if I haven’t talked to a person in a year, I probably won’t hit the “accept” button on the friend request. In the book Mr. Tennant made a good analogy between vitamins/food and social media/relationships. Just like vitamins, social media should be a supplement, not the main part of the diet:

Facebook is a great tool for supplementing and augmenting relationships, much in the same way fish oil is a great tool for supplementing our diets. However, many of us are replacing the main courses of our lives—in-the-flesh, face-to-face time with friends and family—with supplemental wall posts and tweets. Studies show that most of us talk to each other more online than we do in real life.56 The forms of communication that take place through social media are not the best forms of communication. Social media act best as a “supplement to our lives.”57

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 573-578). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

2. I would keep pictures, videos and even general updates about my and our family’s life to our family blog. Not only is it a time waster to be posting things twice, but I have struggled at times when meeting with someone in person to always be second guessing if I am telling them something they already know. I sit and think, “Did they read that status update of mine and already know this?” It makes for weird and awkward relationships when you are putting information out there for lots of people to read, but you aren’t sure who actually read it.

3. I would keep it simple in terms of time and effort. I would want my time on Facebook to be the smallest chunk of my daily computer use. I think I would also be pretty selective about which pages I like, groups I join and overall information that I present about myself. I would use it primarily for not only supplemental touches to those in my life, but for recommending articles and other blog posts (but I personally like Twitter as a better platform for this).

4. I would try and only use Facebook when I am up-to-date on my other relationships. I may have 20 minutes to spend on Facebook, but would it be a better use of time to call my grandma that I haven’t talked to in a month?

Thanks for bearing with me as I thought more through the issue of social media in my life. I hope it helped for you to be think about what part you want social media to play in your life.

Blessings,

Yesterday I began a series of posts sharing about a book I just read called Unfriend Yourself
by Kyle Tennant. In the introduction, he lays out 3 promises Facebook makes to us and then expands on those in various ways throughout the book. Today I am going to look at the second promise:

IT’S OK TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU.

In looking back on what I wrote about shutting down Facebook, I am really surprised I never made this point because it was one of the main things that made me shut down my Facebook. I remember seeing this video spoof on Twitter a few years ago and resonating so much with what was said (it actually hits upon tomorrow promises as well).

Here is what Mr. Tennanat says about the “me” attitude of social media.

When we move online to Facebook and other social media, we find that these technologies, too, have their own agendas. Where the supra-ideology (or controlling set of values) of television is entertainment, the supra-ideology of social media is me. In essence, Facebook’s agenda is for us to broadcast ourselves (notably the YouTube tagline), to talk about what we’re doing and what we like. This is what psychologists might call “self-presentation,” which is a fancy psychological word for what we do all the time: we wear clothes, talk in a certain way, do things how we do them, all to tell the world about who we are. Facebook is a digital opportunity for us to self-present through status updates, photos, and “likes.”

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 206-211). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

He then goes on to say:

The problem with the promise comes when we realize that:

Self-Presentation
+ Sinful Selves
= Self-Promotion

When we step into our digital lives, we suddenly find that instead of passively or thoughtlessly telling people about ourselves (like we do in casual conversation, or with our clothing), we are sending to the world constant and premeditated messages about the details of our lives. We present—or promote—ourselves in such a way to cause people to think of us in a certain way. When I log on to Facebook, I find that I want to put my best foot forward; as a result, I find myself bending the truth and skirting circumstance, ever so slightly, to offer to my “friends” the best part of myself, the part of me that is the coolest, the funniest. I announce to others something good about me with the goal of getting others to think a certain way about me. The biblical term for this kind of self-promotion is “boasting.”

But what goes around comes around. “By showcasing the most witty, joyful, bullet-pointed versions of people’s lives, and inviting constant comparisons in which we tend to see ourselves as the losers, Facebook appears to exploit an Achilles’ heel of human nature.”13 As I “stalk” the profiles of my “friends,” I find that they, too, have put their best foot forward; and tragically, I don’t measure up. Suddenly, I think to myself: “Oh, I’m not nearly as fit as he is,” or “She is far more witty than I am.” As a result, I want to find ways to make myself look better so that I can keep up with everyone else. So begins an endless cycle of self-promotion and self-rejection.14

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 211-225). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

The book continues on to say this about our “important news updates”:

Facebook, Twitter, and other social media provide us with unhindered opportunities to distribute information about ourselves to mass amounts of people very quickly. The problem is that this information is often trivial and inane, which subtly teaches us that the inane details of our lives are important for other people to know. Before we know it, our way of thinking has changed. We broadcast everything to everyone all of the time, and consider this normal and acceptable. A quick look on Facebook tells me that a “friend” has four tickets to a concert he wants to give away, that another got pulled over last night, that another hates spiders. Facebook and social media tell us that the endlessly inane and mindless details of our lives are newsworthy (notice Facebook calls it a “news feed”). But this promise is a lie. I am not the center of the universe, and the funny thing my friend’s cat just did is not all that important. Sure, there is a laugh to be had, but ever so subtly we have come to believe that everything about me matters, when it truly doesn’t. Boasting, self-promotion, and self-construction are dangerous habits of the mind and heart.

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 228-237). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

I remember taking a break from Facebook at one point and having a sick feeling in my stomach when I saw my natural tendency for something to happen and me to think “Oh, I should post that.” I was starting to see that my natural reaction was to think that I should post every little detail of my life and that everyone should care about it.

And the struggle to want to look “good” for all your “friends” is one that I am not sure how anyone on Facebook would avoid, except to go to the other extreme and self-deprecate or just not use Facebook to write about yourself at all (which I have seen people do as a way to simply stay in touch with others, not necessarily share every detail about themselves).

We are constantly maneuvering and jockeying for security in our relationships; we are each too aware of our shame and vulnerability. Now, with social media, and the ability to post this picture, make that comment, and like that band, I can present an ideal me, and so shield myself from the disdain of my peers. The question is: are social media the new leaves we use to cover our shame? After all, “We can write the Facebook profile that pleases us. We edit our messages until they project the self we want to be.”26

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 374-378). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

This is not to say that people can’t use social media in a God-honoring way. I think it takes a lot more thought and having a vision for WHY you are using that particular vehicle. One of the ultimate examples of social media for the spreading of the good news of Jesus is John Piper.

John Piper uses this very reasoning to explain why he has chosen to tweet. He writes that he tries “to fill these media with as much provocative, reasonable, Bible-saturated, prayerful, relational, Christ-exalting, truth-driven, serious, creative pointers to true greatness” as he can.65 He conceives of tweets as opportunities “to press some God-focused truth into someone’s consciousness.”

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 685-688). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

And although Mr. Piper uses Twitter and believes good can come from it, he doesn’t see it as something that all Christians are called to do:

“But it seems to us,” he says, “that aggressive efforts to saturate a media with the supremacy of God, the truth of Scripture, the glory of Christ, the joy of the gospel, the insanity of sin, and the radical nature of Christian living is a good choice for some Christians.”

Tennant, Kyle (2012-01-01). Unfriend Yourself (Kindle Locations 691-693). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

My husband is another wonderful example of a great Twitter account. He in no way uses it to brag about himself, or even his family. He recommends great thought provoking articles, publishes wonderful quotes from his Kindle reading and throws in some good humor now and then. It’s really refreshing to read because when he does post about himself, it is truly “news” or an “update” for those who might be interested in what is going on in his life.

So again, neither I nor Mr. Tennant is saying that if you have Facebook, you automatically must be self-consumed.  I think you can easily use social media without being all about yourself, but I do believe it is a hard line to walk.

So what did I take away from this false promise?

1. I need to have a purpose for why I use the different types of social media in my life or they will run me, instead of me running them.  Right now my social media line-up is: family blog, Good Reads, Instagram and this blog.  This point helped me to think a little clearer through these 4 areas:

1. Family Blog: This is a blog that is very clearly about us.  I may border on boasting on this blog at times (or totally cross the line), but the purpose of it is to keep our family and friends at home updated on what we are doing overseas.  This is something I hope to continue for many years because it serves as a wonderful family journal to look back on and there are many who get great joy out of watching the home videos of the kids and seeing pictures of where we live, play, etc.  So right now I am comfortable with where this form of social media is at.
2. Good Reads: I hesitate to even classify this one as social media because it is used much more for keeping track of my books and sometimes seeing what other people read.  I pretty much just talk to my mom and my friend Maria on Good Reads
3. Instagram: I really like Instagram because I enjoy capturing lie’s moments in a picture.  But I am going to need to think a bit more through it because I am not sure exactly WHY I am doing it.  If I look back on a lot of the pictures, it could be classified as boasting.  But most of the time the feeling I feel is thankfulness as I post a picture, so I am not sure where the line is there.  This is one I will continue to think through more.
4. Married to a Baller: For this blog, I have a purpose for it in the About section.  In thinking more about it though, there are certain posts that I think would be better served over on our private family blog (for instance the Instagram photos).  Here I want to have 3 main thrusts. I am sure I will fall short on many posts, but this is my main goal.

• Pointing people to Jesus through my struggles, victories and overall life journey
• Sharing about our lifestyle and the way we live so as to encourage others who are living it or just interested in it
• Journaling through thoughts and situations so that I can think more clearly and hopefully encourage others

Please share in the comments ways that you have worked through your social media interaction, as I would love to learn how others view and interact with social media in their lives.

Photo Courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at freedigitalphotos.net

It is time for my last blog post of 2011.  I have said it many times before: I really enjoy the new year.  A fresh beginning, a new calendar year, a time to create new hopes and dreams for another 12 months.  For the past 4 years, I have been making New Year Goals that include a theme I want to focus on for the year, along with a verse and hymn.  Here are some of my past New Year themes:

2008: “It Is Well With My Soul”
Psalm 46
Rest of Soul

2009: “Praise to the Lord”
Psalm 138
Thankfulness

2010: “How Firm a Foundation”
Psalm 1:2-3
Steadiness

2011: “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus”
Colossians 3:23-24
Living for an Audience of One

As I thought about what I wanted to focus on for 2012, my first thought was “Simplicity”.  I have been feeling a lot lately that God is calling me to not worry about a lot of the extra curriculars of life, but just do the few priorities that I have determined well.  But the more I prayed about it, although I do think that is a theme God is working on in my life right now, it didn’t feel like what I was called to focus on for the year.  Instead, I felt like I was to focus on “Loving Others”.

When I first had this thought in prayer, I was kind of rebuffed by it.  I liked the sound of “Simplicity” better.  It seemed like a more “acceptable” sin to struggle with.  I felt much more comfortable asking for prayers to keep things simple than I did asking for people to pray for me to love others well in 2012.  What kind of Christian doesn’t love others well?

But the more I prayed about it, the more convinced I became that this was what my focus needed to be for 2012, and in 2 specific areas.

1. Loving others without expecting anything in return.

An area that I see as lacking in my life in loving others is that often my love or service does not come from a motivation of bringing God glory but of getting love in return from others, either in terms of praise, returning acts of love to me or other means of showing appreciation.  I struggle to love and serve those who do not reciprocate that love to me (or at least that I don’t perceive to reciprocate it because I am certainly not a faultless judge).  Or I struggle to serve people with joy when I don’t feel like my service is being appreciated.  And I know this is completely contrary to God’s example of love to us in Jesus.  This hit me squarely when I read these words from Ed Welch’s book Running Scared:

Notice how human desires go topsy-turvy when we stray outside God’s kingdom. As kingdom residents, we have been loved with an everlasting love and we have the privilege of loving others as we have been loved. We stand in the shadow of Jesus, who revealed what human life was intended to be: He loved others even when he wasn’t loved. Jesus shows us that to be truly human means that our desire to love others outdistances our desire to be loved ourselves. True humanness is found more in a sacrificial love for our enemies than in being the object of another person’s affections. Yet we often live as though the opposite were true. Without adequate human love, we feel paralyzed to love. We want to be filled with the love of others before we move out in love towards others. This is normal for us, but normal does not mean that it is either right or true. At root, our yearning for love and acceptance from other people (when it is more important than loving and accepting others) is evidence of allegiances to ourselves. We prefer to be the king rather than serve the King.

Welch, Edward T. (2007-11-01). Running Scared: Fear, Worry & the God of Rest
(p. 179). New Growth Press. Kindle Edition.

I tend to not deal with the people in my life who are hard to love.  Or I pull away from those who do not return my efforts for a relationship.  Or I sulk and pout when I have served my husband or children all day without a word of thanks.  It all comes from the same root of loving myself, instead of truly loving others because I love God and He loves me.  This is one big area that I pray God would work in me in the coming year.

2. Loving others by watching what my tongue speaks about others.

I don’t know of many Christian women who don’t know that they struggle with gossip, slander or just idle talk in some way.  But I know of very few who really talk about it and try to make war on it.  Although I praise God for doing a good work in the area of my speech of others, I know I still have a lot of sanctification that needs to happen in this part of my life.  And although it isn’t a fun sin to admit, I know that in order for change to come about, confession needs to happen.  And for me, the people that I find hard to love are the people I often do not speak well of.  But my speech hardens my heart even further towards them.

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life;
he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
(Proverbs 13:3 ESV)

The ESV Study Bible for this verse had this convicting sentence for me:

Such a path has mutually reinforcing benefits in both heart and actions.

In other words, when I keep my mouth shut on the negative and open it with the positive, it is a way of sanctifying my heart and my acts of service towards that person.

My prayer this year is that I would love others better by selflessly serving them and speaking words of grace about them. May your new year be filled with evidences of God’s work in your life and the lives around you,