If you haven’t read my disclaimer for this series please do so.

To conclude the series, I thought I would share the three P’s of parenting, that for me are the essentials of being a mom to God’s glory.

1. Prayer. More than anything else, I want to be a mom of prayer.  I want to pray for my children in specific and continuing ways: for their salvation, for their strengths and weaknesses, for the grace to suffer well, for their sexual purity, for their future spouses and in-laws, and for my relationship with them.  I also want to be a mom who prays daily for wisdom in parenting.  I don’t want to run immediately to a friend, book, website or even Joe when I have a problem in parenting.  I want to turn first to the perfect Father and ask Him to guide me and teach me.  I want to humbly ask for wisdom and then open my eyes to see where that wisdom may come from around me.

2. Priorities. My biggest struggles in parenting usually come when I am feeling inconvenienced by the task of being a mom.  In reality, when I step back and look at things, this is one of my most important jobs (after being a child of God and a wife).  I often perceive the extra work in parenting as holding me back from other things.  But if you asked me about these other things, I would not say they are high priorities.  When I face a temper tantrum  and know that it could take an hour or so of heart work, when I am in the right frame of mind in regards to my priorities, I can face it gladly.

3. Perspective. This is the thing that keeps me thinking right most days.  When I am tempted to become frustrated with one of the kids, my first dose of perspective is usually: What if this child were not in my life?  Isn’t the little bit of struggle worth all the good? And then secondly, I usually think:  In the grand scheme of all that God has created, how big of a deal is this right now? When I gain the right perspective it is so much easier to joyfully parent my children

Prayer, priorities and perspective.  My three “musts” for parenting. Through our journey as parents and the lessons we’ve learned along the way, our parenting has become focused on becoming the kind of people we want our children to become and enjoying every moment we can to the glory of God.

If you haven’t read my disclaimer for this series please do so.

Our journey has now come to the present. Many of the lessons I have mentioned I am still learning and seeking to apply every day.  But each season of life seems to have it owns lessons, so here are the ones I am learning right now:

1. Grace. I just read a great book called Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.  I found out about it through Justin Taylor’s blog where Sally Michale gave it a high recommendation.  The book has served as encouragement that we are on the right track as far as the heart of what we are trying to accomplish as parents.  But one thought in the book struck me more than any other:

We need to treat our children the way God treats His children.

Not that this is the most profound thought in the world, but for some reason it really impacted me.  I cannot just start with how God treats me though, I must start with who God is.  If I do not properly understand who God is, I cannot understand the actions that flow from Him.  So a study of the attributes and person of God is essential in my interactions with others.  If I want to treat others the way God treats me, it starts with understanding, studying and meditating on who God is.

2. Fairness.  I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  And we live in a home where competition is a large part of our day with Joe’s job as a professional athlete.  This leads to a lot of competition between Abby and Elijah.  One of the lessons I am teaching over and over again right now is that things are not always fair.  Just because one gets something, doesn’t mean the other does.  This is a great lesson to preach to myself when I am inclined to tell God that He is not treating me fairly as compared to His other children.

3. Responsibility for Sin. Another result of having two young children is constantly dealing with pointing the finger at the other person.  When I am in another room and I hear an argument erupt, as soon as I ask one what the problem is, the first thing out of his/her mouth is what the other one did.  Again, this is a lesson on human nature.  In the first sin, Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent.  We all do it every single day.  It convicts me every time I hear one of my children do it how I can pass my own sin off on being tired, having to move a lot, spending time without my husband, living in a foreign country, etc.  Our sin is our own fault.  No one else’s.  Are there things which make the battle harder?  Yes, but that does not excuse us.  This is a great lesson to have to deal with every day for my own heart’s sake.

Tomorrow I will have some closing thoughts for this pareting series.

If you haven’t read my disclaimer for this series please do so.

Naomi arrived on April 13, 2008 and we were now the Crispin Five.  No longer were we the young couple with a baby.  We were now  full-fledged crew!  As any parent will tell you, every child is different and presents different challenges.  There really is no “pro” level of parent.  You are always learning and growing.  So when Naomi was a totally different personality than Abby and Elijah, I was not too surprised.

The thing that Naomi has taught me more than anything else is : Never say never.  I have found that people (including me)who use statements like :”I would never do _____ as a parent.” are usually ones who have very little life experience (and maybe no kids!).  We all have no idea what God is going to hand us tomorrow.  So in regards to issues that are gray (breastfeeding, sleeping, schooling, discipline, etc.), I have found it wise to not use the “n” word.

If you would have asked me as a college freshman if this is where I would be today, I would have said “Never!”  But God has graciously ordained my steps, as He does us all, so that He is working circumstances in my life to draw me closer to Him.  I am often tempted to think I would “never” do things, but when I look at how life can take odd twists and turns, I know that “never” is a word I need to bite my tongue on most of the time.  But more than biting my tongue, it is an attitude of my heart to say, “I am making the best decision that I can for TODAY, but I do not know what tomorrow will hold.”

If you haven’t read my disclaimer for this series please do so.

Here are a few other areas that “The Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children” brought to light for us.

1. We were not speaking as a voice of authority for Abby.  Most of what we said to Abby came in the form a suggestion, more than a command.  because of this, it made it harder for her to obey because she did not know if it was a requirement or just a thought.  We saw that much of what we said to her started with things like, “How about you…”, “Let’s…”, and “Ok, we’re going to…”.  These were not clear commands.  Again, for me, my idea of grace and mercy were not good.  I thought that I was being gracious if I said things in a “nice” way.  I failed to realize that saying, “Abby, clean up.” could be said in a very gracious and loving way, but could still be authoritative as well.

2. Abby needed to hear “no” more.  Rosemond called it a healthy dose of vitamin N.  And this was another thing we would often water down.  Abby would ask for something, and I would either say “yes” or try to soften it in a way like “Well, not now, but maybe later.”  One of the best indicators of our child’s heart attitude for us has been how well they respond to a simple “no”.  Life is full of disappointments and learning to deal well with “no” is one of the best things I think we can teach our children.  And it is a lesson for me as well because too often I am not sound enough in my own convictions with others to simply give a “no” answer.  If someone asks me to do something, I feel like I always have to give a long explanation for why it may not be feasible instead of just saying, “No, I can’t do that.”  For some reason in our culture, the word “no” has become rude, which it isn’t.

3. Abby did not need as much entertainment or toys as we thought she did. Since reading the book we have tried to keep the kids toys simple.  Their imaginations are exercised much more with toys that don’t “do” everything for them (ie. dolls that cry, talk, wet themselves, and suck their bottles for example).  When we backed it down on the entertainment value of things for Abby, she became much more creative and did a great job playing on her own.  I think she is such a great individual player today because of the decision to give her time on her own and to keep her toys simple.

The book was well-worth the read for us with those lessons we walked away from it with.  It was one of the big turning points for us as parents.

If you haven’t read my disclaimer for this series please do so.

Joe and I had always had the conviction that Jesus was the center of our home, the marriage was the priority and the children would be lovingly drawn into that relationship (as Mark Driscoll so eloquently put it in his Peasant Princess message “The Little Foxes“).  But although that was our conviction after reading “The New Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children” we realized that we were not working out those convictions in our every day lives.  Abby had clearly become the center of the family.  Because of her struggles, we were giving her too much attention and making her the central focus of our family.  How did we do that?  Here were a few of the ways:

1. We allowed her to interrupt us at any time. No matter if we were talking to one another or just taking time to ourselves, we would drop everything and place our full attention on her at any time of the day.  We rationalized this by saying what a hard time she was having and that extra attention would be the key to fixing it.

2. Our down time centered around her. Joe and I got away from having our own time together when Abby was awake and could see us.  Instead, we allowed her to dominate the free time in our home.

3. We almost never said “no” to Abby when we were doing something else.  There were no clear boundaries set as to what time was for her and what time was for other things.

So here were some changes we began to make, that made a huge difference.

1. Abby was given more specific guidelines to know when it was “her time”.  We set aside special times to play with her throughout the day, but also kept other times to ourselves.  She was told when I was going to do school work, or when Joe was going to read, or when the two of us were going to sit on the couch and talk with one another.  Although at first she looked at us like we had two heads each, she quickly adjusted to going and doing things on her own.  I think this is when her creativity really began to soar to where she is one of the most creative people I have ever met today.

2. Inappropriate interruptions were no longer allowed.  At the dinner table, the conversation no longer focused around her, nor was she given free reign to interrupt.  Joe and I talked first and then she was given the opportunity.  If Joe and I were hugging or sitting together on the couch, she wasn’t allowed to run up and try to push her way in between us.  We communicated that this was a moment for us and that when we were done, we would love to have her join us.

3. We did not hide doing things without her.  We used to try to get her to bed and then sneak out for a date or turn on a movie.  But this was a huge hindrance to her.  Instead of helping her, it aided into her thinking that our day ended when hers did because she was the most important person in our home.  We started letting her know when we would be doing things together.  We explained that our marriage was the priority and that we spent time together away from her.

I think it is very easy to become child-centered in our culture.  It is almost the norm these days.  Rosemond writes in his book that at seminars he will ask the question to a group of women, “How many of you would say your children are the most important priority in your life?”  He said almost every hand in the room goes up as the women look around at each other proudly and nobly.  In other words, he was saying it is an admirable characteristic in our day to put your children above all else.  He mentions as well that a woman who works in the home today is called a “stay at home MOM”, while 60 years ago she was called a “house WIFE”.  Last week I was even reading a book on the family that I was truly enjoying, but had to cringe when the author called children “bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh” (Genesis 2:23), which is a verse that is in reference to marriage.  It is not odd anymore to hear that our “children are our world” and the most important day in our lives was the day our children were born, instead of the day we were married.

As Rosemond notes in his book, the goal of our parenting should be to raise children who independently go out in the world.  But often what we are doing is raising children who are dependent on us (usually the mom) to the detriment of the child and our marriages.  As both he and Mark Driscoll have noted, children holding the wrong place in our families is one of the biggest problems we face today, as well as a cause for a large majority of divorce.

Our home is truly a different place today because we are constantly on the lookout to guard ourselves from being child-centered.  We have in no way arrived, but our children are so much more secure and happy in knowing that Joe and I love one another more than them.  It sounds crazy, but their security increases more in knowing their parents marriage is secure than in being the center of our worlds.

If you haven’t read my disclaimer for this series please do so.

Elijah was born at the end of the 2005-2006 season.  At the beginning of the 2006-2007 season, Joe was struggling with some knee issues and did not take any job offers at the beginning of the season.  So we spent time at home from June 2006-December 2006.  This was the longest time we had ever spent at home.  Abby was 2 years old at the time and really enjoyed being around family and friends for an extended period of time.  Then a call came from a team in Spain, and on New Year’s Eve 2006, we moved to Spain.

This began a really rough season for us in our parenting journey.  We went through a lot with Abby from ages 2.75 to 3.75.  I have seen in both her and Elijah, that this age has presented the most challenges thus far.  The struggle for independence on the child’s part really begins at this age.  It is also the age when they both had a younger sibling who is not an infant anymore and becomes the receiver of much of the attention that used to be there’s.  And for Abby, it was a time when she had a huge adjustment to make from spending 7 months surrounded by family and friends to going to a place where she had no other friends and family.

We made the mistake of granting her a false grace when we got to Spain.  We understood that this was a tough time for her, but instead of helping her to work through issues while still upholding the standards, we let her get away with way too much and made her the center of attention.  Instead of patiently dealing with her sin, we just looked the other way and called it “mercy”.

This lead to some really tough times and a lot of anger on our part.  In reality, our reaction should have been repentance, but instead we saw Abby as the reason for the unrest in our family.  It got to the point that I was so desperate for help that I e-mailed Sally Michael from Children Desiring God.  I had never met her before, but I respect their ministry more than any other children’s ministry in the country.  So I figured it was worth a shot to see if she could help.  I told her the books we had read and asked if there were any others she might recommend.  She got back to me quickly and recommended a book called “The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children” by John Rosemond.  She said it wasn’t a perfect book, but thought it would provide some practical things for what we were dealing with.

In March of 2007 Joe and I both read the book.  As Sally had said, it had some things we didn’t agree with, but there were things that were HUGE epiphanies for us.  I will get into the specific lessons in the posts to follow, but let me give you a break down of the chapters of the book as a preview:

Point One: The Parent-Centered Family
Point Two: The Voice of Authority
Point Three: The Roots of Responsibility
Point Four: The Fruits of Frustration
Point Five: Toys and Play- The Right Stuff
Point Six: Television, Computers and Video Games

I will deal more with point one, point two, point four and point five in a future post.