The Baller

Time Away as a Couple

June 16, 2011 By Erin Crispin 6 Comments

Sunday after church, Joe and I headed with the kids to my parents’ house for the night. The next day we got up and drove to the Metro station, parked our car and headed into Washington D.C. for two nights on our own (no, I didn’t post while we were done, my posts from Monday through Wednesday had been scheduled to go up last week). This was our 5th time on our own overnight since having kids. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot since we have had kids for the last 7 years, but when you are overseas the majority of the year and have a newborn in the summers every other year, it gets tough to get away!

We had our first night alone in August of 2005 when Abby was 17 months old and we went to a Phillies game while Abby spent the night at Joe’s parents’ house. I was so paranoid at being apart from her that i woke up at 6am the next morning and had to restrain myself to wait until 7am to go see her! The next summer I had a nursing baby again (Elijah), so we got away on our own again in June of 2007, when my parents kept Abby and Elijah for us while we went up to State College for 2 nights (this was before we had a house here). I was much more relaxed this time, but definitely still spent some time thinking about the kids. We got away again to State College in the summer of 2009 (we skipped a summer again since I had a nursing Naomi in 2008). This time, my parents kept Abby and Elijah and Joe’s parents kept Naomi. We had a new home at this point, so although there was relaxing, there was also house work that was done. I was much more comfortable being away from the kids overnight this time. And then we had one more night to ourselves sometime before Isaiah was born. I can’t remember it exactly but I know Joe’s parents kept the three kids for us one night when we went out while living in New Jersey.

This time though, we went away from home for our time away. My parents treated us to a stay in a hotel in Washington D.C. and also offered to keep the 4 kids for us (along with the help of my brother and sister-in-law). We gladly took them up on that precious gift and had been looking forward to this trip for about 5 months! We got to sight see, have leisurely dinners and just spend time together. It was by far one of our favorite times over the course of our marriage. We try and make an effort to get out for date nights as much as possible, but an extended time away proved to be beneficial as well. Here were some of my favorite things about it:

1. Uninterrupted conversation. With the kids in the house, it is always noisy. They can all talk up a storm (except Isaiah, who still makes his needs known in other ways which add into the auditory level of the household). Joe and I can often barely get a full conversation with one another, but I didn’t realize how much we missed talking until we were away. There was barely a silent moment because we had so much to catch up on!

2. No needs to be met. When we first got to the hotel it was a weird feeling because I felt like I should have something to set up or someone to settle. But I just put my suitcase down and laid on the bed. And it was a surreal feeling to be not doing anything and know that it would be that way for 2 days. To have 2 days without someone asking for help, for food or needing to go to sleep made my day seem so easy.

3. Easy travel. It is so easy to get around when you don’t have 4 kids to keep track of. We weren’t ever in a rush (because we didn’t have anyone needing to get down for a nap or hungry or just cranky), but we still were able to get around easier. And we even got to hold hands, which is something we barely ever get to do.

4. Thankfulness in the quiet. When the pace is slowed down and you have a little more reflective time, I was able to better step back and be thankful. Sometimes I feel like I am moving at top speed all day long that I miss out on all I have to be thankful for. I was so thankful for our marriage and family and life in the time away.

5. Adult time. Besides the time together, we also got to spend time with my friend, Maria, and her husband. Usually in the summer when we catch up with people, it needs to be kid friendly, whcih is fun, but it was nice to plan a get together without the consideration of how the kids would be entertained.

I missed the kids and by Wednesday was excited to see them, but I was so thankful to my parents, brother and sister-in-law for giving us the opportunity to go away by ourselves.

Filed Under: Our Family, The Baller

Benefit of the Basket Life: Being on My Own for a Month

June 13, 2011 By Erin Crispin 2 Comments

Joe has now been home for 2.5 weeks. I realized his first week home that I was thankful I had been on my own for a month before he arrived back. This is the second season I have come back early and I realized that the extra few weeks allows me to settle in with the kids and get us into a routine. But more than that, it forces me to parent on my own for about 4 weeks, which although a challenge, helps Joe’s transition home too.

Whenever we came home together, since we were both tired, I expected a whole lot more help from Joe. I would think “This is his time off, so he can help me out a bit more.” But the longer Joe has played, the more I realize that the off-season of a professional basketball player is just as important, if not even more important, than the season. The professional athlete doesn’t have a job like a teacher where the summer is “off” (although my mom was a teacher and still had to go put in a certain number of days in the summer). Instead, the off-season is still work time and crucial in re-building the body after a long season and then improving on the previous year.

Our first few years, I viewed his off-season as a vacation for him, which I thought should mean him helping me out more with the house and kids. Joe was still a help (more and more with every child we have), but he was looking to me to keep up with what I had been doing during the season. So this would often lead to unmet expectations on both of our parts. But having come home early the past two seasons and doing it on my own has made me just appreciate any little thing he does when he gets home, rather than expect him to become Mr. Mom all of the sudden.

Of course, I still struggle with unmet expectations every day, but having done much on my own has helped me to free Joe at home to do what he needs to do to be the best he can be. And isn’t that the beauty of marriage: making one another better?

Filed Under: Parenting, The Baller, The Basket Wife

When the Baller Comes Home

May 26, 2011 By Erin Crispin 4 Comments

Elijah woke up yesterday and immediately came over to the bathroom where I was finishing getting ready with a huge smile on his face. “Daddy’s coming home today!” he said. After 4 weeks apart, we were all ready for Joe to get home. Not only had we missed him, but after his injury, I was really wanting him to come home so he wasn’t hobbling around the apartment in Italy trying to do things on his own. So we were very thankful that the team allowed him to come home before the season was officially over.

Seeing him again was as sweet as ever. I had missed my best friend for numerous reasons: companionship, leadership of the home, enjoying the kids’ activities together, supporting one another, etc. I really can’t even sum up in words how our home is completely different when he is gone.

But I learned early on in our marriage that it would take some learning on how to adjust to having him home at times and not at others. At first, it was difficult for me when he would leave for 2-3 days for a road trip. It was very easy to slide right back into operating as a single. When we first got married, he would go away and I would assume the middle of the bed again or go on a completely different schedule than what we were on when he was home. As the marriage years have added up, I can’t even sleep in the middle of the bed anymore and tend to do things pretty much how I would if he were here.

Spending 4 weeks apart is different though. You slowly start to assimilate back to being on your own. I have to operate in some respects as a single mom. So I have tried to remember that there will be an adjustment period for all of us now that he is home. Here are some areas I am trying to focus on being patient with as we adjust:

1. Authority with the Kids. When Joe is gone, I am the only one in charge. It is often difficult for the kids to adjust back to remembering that there are now two adults in the family in charge. They will defer to me for awhile and often have a harder time obeying him.

2. Favorite with the Kids. Although they may still look to me as being the only one in charge, Joe is definitely their favorite when arriving home. Just this morning for breakfast, all the chairs were crowded around him to sit by at breakfast and I sat at the other end of the table on my own! I don’t take it personally because I know how much they have missed him and are excited to see him.

3. Our Schedule Will Adjust. I tried my best to keep us on the same general schedule as what we would do when Joe got home, but there will still be adjustments. Joe is more of a night person, so we automatically get pushed to a later schedule when he is around. Plus he will have spontaneous ideas of things to do, were as before I was determining how we spent our time.

4. Decisions Made Together. Although we obviously talked and discussed issues while Joe was away, when it came to every day occurrences, we were both operating on our own. Now you have another person who is there either questioning how you have been doing something or thinking it should be done differently. Just yesterday after Joe got home, Elijah was going to head outside and Joe said he needed to have shoes on. I had been allowing the kids to play outside in the grass without shoes. Not a big deal and something we came to a decision on quickly, but throughout the first week home you will come across lots of these instances. And I have found that if I am not ready for those things or just a question of “Are you sure you want to do ___ that way?” my pride can start to well up and an argument can develop.

5. More Cooking, Cleaning and Laundry. I will fully admit that I barely cook when Joe is gone. In the 4 weeks we were apart, I think I cooked about 6 “real” meals. Then we ate those leftovers probably for 10 dinners. Add in 2-3 dinners of pizza and eating breakfast foods (pancakes, french toast, etc.) or sandwiches for the rest of our evening meals and my cooking was pretty limited. Now I will need to get back to cooking meals 5-6 nights a week.

Then there is the cleaning. Maybe I should call it “picking-up”. When Joe gets home this area, along with laundry pretty much double. Even though I have been keeping up for 4 others in these areas, I notice a significant increase when Joe is added back into the equation.

Again, I am SO thankful to have my husband home. These things are nothing compared to the difficulty we have in being apart from one another. But I have found that I need to be prepared for these adjustments so that the transition is smoother for us all.

Filed Under: The Baller, The Basket Life, The Basket Wife

Life in the NBA

March 31, 2011 By Erin Crispin 1 Comment

Joe d-ing up MJ

One question I tend to get a lot is “What was the NBA like when Joe was there?” or “How is the NBA different from living abroad?” The answer to both of those questions is “I don’t really know.” Joe spent his rookie year in the NBA and that was when we were engaged. That year was my senior year at Penn State. So while he was in L.A. and Phoenix, I was across the country on the east coast.

During the time Joe was in the NBA, I got to see 6 games: 2 out in L.A., 2 out in Phoenix, 1 in Cleveland (when he was with the Suns) and 1 in Washington (when he was with the Suns). From those games and just what I heard from Joe, here are just a few observations I was able to make in regards to life in the NBA vs. life overseas. I have mentioned many of the different cultural differences we deal with over here, so I am just going to refer to a few differences that pertain to basketball directly.

** Side Note: I did not talk to my husband specifically about this post, so these are just my quick thoughts. He already guest posted for me last week, so I decided to spare him by picking his brain once again for my blog. Plus he has his own blogging going on, so this is just my limited view of things.

1. Both are busy in a different way

Over here teams practice way more than they do in the NBA. Vet camp may bring practicing twice a day, but besides that you don’t see anything but one practice a day in the NBA. But the flip side is that the game and travel schedule is completely different. Here you are playing 1-2 times a week. The NBA game schedule has fewer days in between games and will take you on much longer road trip stints. The NBA also requires a lot more community work than life over here. Joe may have a television show or other appearance once every week or so over here, but for the most part there aren’t a lot of other commitments he has to fill outside of practice and games.

2. Facilities and Personnel

The facilities in the NBA are top notch. I know this has been tough for Joe coming from playing in the NBA to playing over here where they don’t have the nice locker rooms, weight rooms and practice facilities. You also don’t have all the top notch trainers, doctors and other management people on hand to take care of a lot of every day things for you. Playing abroad it is much more up to Joe to care for his body and to take care of other odds and ends. The travel conditions are definitely different too. The way they travel in the NBA makes up for how often it has to be done. Traveling charter makes it much easier on their bodies not to have to keep up with an airline schedule as well.

3. Fans

When I attended my first game in L.A., it didn’t have the sports atmosphere I had been used to in college where everyone had their PSU gear on and there was an excitement in the air for the game. People were dressed very nicely and it seemed much more like a social gathering. The crowd was excited, but no one’s day seemed like it was going to be ruined if the Lakers lost. And there certainly were no grown men making spectacles of themselves. Over here the fans treat this like it is life and death at times. They are extremely into it and there is non-stop cheering and noise the whole time (and the noise is not from music being played like in the U.S. because music is usually only played at halftime). The fans over here also have a much more hands-on experience with the players during and after the games. When Joe was in the NBA there were separate player entrances and fans had no access to getting to the players after a game unless the player allowed it. International games allow the fans to be in contact with the player much more after the game. Even in Spain where we had a separate exit, fans could still be standing outside waiting.

4. Job Pressure

This one is simply my opinion, but to me it seems like the job pressure was greater in the NBA. Maybe that is because in the NBA, Joe was low man on the totem pole, where abroad he is usually the top 1-2 players on the team. He takes his job just as seriously, but there is not the same feeling of someone breathing down his neck for his job. Or him looking to try and out play someone else.

5. Different Girlfriend/Wives Community

The community of women abroad is completely different than what I saw in my few games in the NBA. During the time I watched games in the NBA, two total other wives ever even spoke to me. And one was the wife of the guy who did the radio announcing. I am sure the women have come to be wary of new women on the scene because who knows how long they will be around. It is also tougher because unlike over here where all the families sit together, in the NBA at the games I attended, the team had the woman spread around the arena (I am sure there are reasons for this that had to do with keeping things peaceful). Over here, the other wives and girlfriends are pretty much your best friends for the time you are here. The stress you encounter living internationally makes it almost necessary to have another adult to talk to besides your husband. In the NBA, you are in the U.S., so there is not as much need to be chummy with everyone because you can easily make friends outside the basketball world as well.

Those are some of the biggest differences I saw. The other question people like to ask is which NBA players I met and who was nice (or not so much). Since I only met some of them briefly, I can’t really say much about them as a person, but here are my top winners for friendliest NBA players from the 2001-2002 Lakers and Suns:

Lakers (tie): Shaq and Derek Fisher
Shaq was funny and personable (and his hands are really as big as they look on television). He was also really kind to Joe’s family by flying his parents and sisters out first class and then giving his little sister a shoe of his. Derek Fisher was extremely friendly and had such a gentleman’s spirit about him though. So they tie.

Suns: Penny Hardaway
He was over-the-top nice when we met. Not just saying hello but asking specifically about how my flight was and how things were going.

Tomorrow will be the April Basket Wives profile where you will here from the first Basket Wife I ever met when Joe was with the Lakers. Check back tomorrow,

Filed Under: The Baller, The Basket Life

Divorce in Professional Athletics: From the Baller’s Perspective (Part 2)

March 23, 2011 By Erin Crispin 9 Comments

Joe is back with point two today to follow-up his first point from Monday on his thoughts in divorce in professional athletics. Hope you enjoy more from him. I know I am going to bug him for some more guest posts in the future!

On to my second point today. As a reminder, I wrote the other day that “two things come to mind in the life of a professional athlete that I believe exasperate the problem of self-centeredness. Or at the very least, make the marriages of professional athletes more different and difficult than the marriage of ‘normal’ folks (for lack of a better term, for who among us is really normal?)

1) The continuity of lifestyle.
2) The pressure to perform and the issue of identity.

My second point, the pressure to perform and the issue of identity, is really two things in one that are, in my opinion, impossible to separate or to overestimate. For from my perspective, the simple questions, “Who am I and why am I here?” are about as foundational and far-reaching in their effect as any other questions you can ask. Your answers to these questions cannot help but determine how well you live or how at peace you are with the way you live. The degree of your security, identity, and significance are, more or less, determined by how well you answer those two questions.

And from a Christian perspective, the only adequate way to answer those questions is to center them upon the person and work of Jesus Christ. For when you can genuinely say and believe, “I have been created to honor the Lord and to be forever His” the entire course of your life cannot help but change. And that is true even if you find yourself doing the very same external things. For the security and identity and significance that flow from a relationship and understanding of the Creator changes the motivations, intentions, and fulfillment of the human heart. Such a reality changes you in the deepest part of your being. Indeed, it sets you free to live as you want and how the Lord intends.

But what if you don’t really know the answers to those questions? Or what if you answer them with the thought that if you can make something of yourself and prove your worth through your own efforts or success, then you will show that you are somebody worthwhile? Or what if you never even ask those questions and continue on with life trying to fashion your own identity through the things that you do?

Well, it is my belief that most of us do one of those things and that, in our most honest moments, cannot help but admit that it is completely exhausting. And destructive.

All that being said, now put yourself in the shoes of a professional athlete struggling with the question of identity. Recognize that you (as the pro athlete) have in large part been seen by others as a great _________ player for the bulk of your life. Oftentimes, people related to you and used you only on the basis of your status as a great athlete. You received attention and admiration and status and security largely on the basis on your athletic achievement.

Not only that, but you knew from your earliest moments that if you were ever going to make something of yourself, and to find the place in your community that you wanted to enjoy, you were going to have become better and better. You would have to take the next step or people would forget you and call you a ‘disappointment’ or ‘under-achiever.’ With that in mind, your every game was under the microscope and every admirer just one false step away from shaking their head in disgust. People wanted to speak to you, but not really to you, but to the great player you. As you progressed, virtually your entire social world was determined and dictated by who you were as an athlete or even how well you played in the last game.

Now keep in mind that all this happened in some of the most formative years of your existence. During the teenage years when everyone struggles to figure themselves out. And on into your adulthood, so that virtually the entirety of your life (or at least the only part of your life that you can really remember), the majority of people around you related to you on the basis of your place and performance as an athlete.

Is it really any wonder then why professional athletes struggle with the issue of identity? Or ask yourself, is being a great athlete really as great as most folks usually make it out to be?

I could go on, but I need to actually get to my point. And my point is simply this: when you combine this sort of foundational life struggle with the demands of a marriage, it is a recipe for divorce. For if virtually the entirety of a pro-athlete’s life is determined by his status and identity as an athlete and if, as is often the case, the woman in his life sees him in large part the same way (and is struggling with these issues herself), the question is not why is there so much divorce, but why isn’t there even more divorce than there is now?

You might think I am overstating the case, but the facts back this up. The world of professional athletics (esp. high profile) is a difficult place to be as an individual and in turn, as a married couple. And it is my belief that it is only possible to thrive with the help of Almighty God. For it is only in Him that the foundational questions of identity can be finalized forever. Or at least worked through so that a life of self-sacrifice for the good of another can be the life of joy it is meant to be. Only with the One who sacrificed Himself can you find out who you really are and be empowered to love as He intends.

Filed Under: The Baller, The Basket Life

Divorce in Professional Athletics: From the Baller’s Perspective (Part 1)

March 21, 2011 By Erin Crispin 6 Comments

Today you get to hear from my husband, Joe, who is in his 10th season of professional basketball on his thoughts about divorce and professional athletics. One reason I enjoy spending time with Joe so much is because he is always challenging me to think outside the box. If we are in a group discussing something, he will be the guy that comes up with a view, angle or thought on a subject that no one else thought of. That was part of the reason I wanted him to weigh in on this topic. I hope you will be stretched by his writing to consider other reasons for the divorce epidemic among professional athletes.

Erin has asked me to write a guest post today regarding the prevalence of divorce in the marriages of professional athletes. She has given me complete artistic freedom and well over a week to put something together, but naturally, I have waited until the due date in order to write. I just can’t resist waiting until the fourth quarter.

Anyhow, I was thinking about writing a response to her posts concerning divorce, but after thinking about the topic some more, I would like to offer a few thoughts on the subject that, though somewhat obvious, are not normally considered when the topic of professional athletes comes up.

Of course, it goes without saying (or I think it should go without saying) that the ultimate reason we see divorce anywhere is because all of us, from the least to the greatest are born with a sinful bent towards ourselves. That is, we are by nature self-centered. So when it comes to marriage, the one place where self-centeredness proves most destructive, I do not find it particularly surprising that marriages fail. For as Erin and I say to anyone that listens, apart from the foundation we have in Christ, we would be very surprised if we did not fail. For it is our belief that it is only through Him that we are set free from ourselves and thus, empowered to really love one another for better or worse.

That being said, two things come to mind in the life of a professional athlete that I believe exasperate the problem of self-centeredness. Or at the very least, make the marriages of professional athletes more different and difficult than the marriage of ‘normal’ folks (for lack of a better term, for who among us is really normal?).

1) The continuity of lifestyle.

2) The pressure to perform and the issue of identity.

Regarding point number one, continuity of lifestyle, I do not mean what you probably think I mean. Not the day-to-day going out, making good money, hitting the clubs, or having nice stuff lifestyle of professional athletes. Though I obviously think this is an issue, everyone makes this point.

What I am referring to by continuity of lifestyle is the simple fact that although I am 31 years old, I am still more or less doing the same thing I did when I was 14 or 15 years old. Most of my year revolves around playing the best basketball I can play. I am focused on getting in shape and performing well on the court. On improving, on getting better, and taking the next step etc..

And although that might not seem a big deal to some, I think it is a very big issue when it comes to the lives of professional athletes and certainly at least one reason why you find too many professional athletes acting like teenagers with a lot more cash and usually, a lot more time. Think about it: the transitions that many folks go through in life and that force them to mature, many professional athletes have never endured.

Sure, some are better than others, but usually, it is only the best of the best that make it professionally, and the best of the best are often the best because they are overly focused on one thing. Not only that, but now realize that you group all these guys together on the same team, in the same kind of atmosphere that they have lived in since their teenage years. Is it any surprise then that they continue to speak and act in the same way as they did when they first got into the game? I don’t think so.

I can’t say this for sure, because I am a 31 year old who lives in the same kind of atmosphere I have always lived it, but I believe that most of us vastly underestimate how good the difficult life transitions are for us. Yes, I know that too many dudes nowadays don’t want to grow up until they are 30 or 35, but still, graduating from college and having to find a job where you wear a tie or at least work with people of various ages and from difficult walks of life is a healthy thing. It’s the real world and I think it helps people get real and grow up.

Indeed, as I write this I think about certain lines of work where there is a strong concentration of people the same age group, particularly in their 20’s or early 30’s (like professional athletics). Maybe a computer software company with a young owner. Is the atmosphere and the maturity of the men working there much different? I wonder what the percentage of divorce is for their marriages. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that it is about the same as the percentage of divorce in the marriages of professional athletes. For these men also have failed to grow up. And they support and encourage one another in that lifestyle. That’s a tough place for a marriage to thrive.

It’s not the entire story by a any stretch, but I do believe it is one aspect of the story that is largely underestimated in consideration of this topic. For we all know that the divorce rate of teenage marriages is quite high. And even though professional athletes are not teenagers by any stretch, the fact is that many of them act like it, and I can’t help but think that a big reason why is because they are in large part focused on the same thing they were focused on when they were 15. It’s an underestimated consideration and one that not only takes its toll on marriages, but on a whole host of other things as well.

If you ever check in on my blog, you will not be surprised to learn that I could say much more and that point number 2 will have to wait until tomorrow.

Filed Under: The Baller, The Basket Life

Divorce in Professional Athletics: How We Battle Against It

March 16, 2011 By Erin Crispin 8 Comments

Taking Our Vows Almost 9 Years Ago

Yesterday I discussed a little bit of why I see divorce to be so viral among professional athletes these days. Today I thought I would share some of what Joe and I do to battle against the statistics that tell us our marriage isn’t going to make it. Now I realize we don’t face nearly the same pressures that other athletes face who have more money and notoriety, but we do still face some of the pressures that are general to all marriages and also specifically to marriages in the professional sports world.

I am also not trying to set Joe and I up as the example of a perfect marriage. We are far from it. We have ups and downs and some serious knock-down-drag-out fights. That is what happens when two very strong-willed people get married! We are growing and working through things along the way. But we are both committed to getting better every day. Once thing we have tried hard to avoid is hitting cruise control. We are not one of those couples who keep things surface level. We want to dig in deep and know each other inside and out. So we have fought, thought and worked through a lot, so that is why I humbly offer my thoughts on the subject. I am no expert, just another pilgrim on the journey.

So here are some things we do and/or plan to do (or would like to do better in some cases). I could go on and on, but felt I should keep it to ten suggestions:

1. Take Our Vows Seriously Because Marriage Is Based On Who God Is
Our marriage vows are not only a commitment to one another, but more importantly a commitment to God. We see the purpose of marriage based upon the Biblical definition of being a demonstration of the love between Jesus and His bride, the church:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33

If we divorce, the message we are sending is that God would leave His people and this is a lie. So the seriousness of our marriage is based upon the fact that we have been entrusted to show forth the love of God through it. This means that we rest on the unchangeableness of God, not one another and not a “feeling” of love that we could somehow lose.

2. View One Another As God Does
I think one of the biggest struggles in my own marriage and in other marriages is that we have this fantasy idea of marrying the “perfect” person. But as a Christian, we know we are all sinners. But we are sinners who are forgiven and changing by God’s grace. We often fall into two extremes in marriage: we either set the other person up as perfect, and then end up disappointed, or we are always finding fault and never satisfied. God sees our sin, but He loves us unconditionally anyway. This unconditional love in spite of sin is what will inspire our spouse to change, not constant nagging and nit picking. Joe and I have been trying to focus lately on speaking to one another in a way that tells one another who we are in Christ. This is extremely encouraging and freeing to hear.

3. Enjoy a Healthy Sex Life
I almost didn’t include this one for fear of it being TMI, but I think that many marriages suffer because people don’t talk about sex INSIDE marriage enough. We hear about sex outside of marriage all the time. But when was the last time you heard a married couple tell you the wonderful sexual intimacy, joy and exhilaration they experience in the bedroom? Probably not too often. In movies, books, and television, the ones with the good sex lives are always the unmarried ones. In reality, that is exactly the opposite way God created it. Inside of a covenant relationship you can experience the greatest closeness, fun and excitement all with the security of a person who has promised to love you no matter what. People often think of Christianity as a religion that sets up all you “can’t” do in sex. But when you are married, the sky is the limit! And a healthy, regular, fun, adventurous and loving sex life is the sign of a great marriage. As one book that I am currently reading says, “A couples sex life is often a microcosm of the overall marriage.” We have found this to be very true and therefore both put a good deal of effort into enjoying that aspect of our marriage.

4. Set Up Boundaries When It Comes to the Opposite Sex
This probably doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone, but if you don’t spend one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex, it is pretty hard to commit adultery. And in this day in age, one-on-one time does not simply mean being physically present with the person. Affairs can begin with e-mail, phone conversations, Facebook/Twitter interactions, text messaging, etc. If Joe or I aren’t sure if something might be appropriate, we try to check with one another. And our e-mail accounts, Facebook, Twitter are open to each other. We don’t have “private” things that we keep from each other.

5. Open Lines of Communication, but Use Words That Edify and Build Up
Open lines of communication are what most people would say is key to a good marriage, which I would agree with. But I think as Christians, we need to be careful of not sharing every single thought that enters our mind for the good of our marriage. As Christians we are to filter what thoughts we allow to linger and what thoughts we immediately dismiss:

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

So not every thought should be shared. This doesn’t mean that we need to keep things from our spouse, but that we should be careful to look for those words that are edifying, or build up. If they aren’t building up our spouse, our marriage or our growth in God, then they should probably be dismissed.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

A lot of couples pride themselves on being totally “open”. In other words, they will share anything, even if it is not healthy or uplifting to the marriage. For example, many feel it is perfectly fine to share about the attractiveness of another member of the opposite sex. Honestly, I am not really sure when a good time for this topic to come up would be. I imagine it could come up when one spouse is feeling insecure and therefore asks about another person’s attractiveness to his/her spouse in order to either gain some compliment or find a way to tear another person down. This just seems unwise to me. We all notice attractive people naturally, that it doesn’t seem like we should have to bring extra attention to them. Ladies, if your husband is a Christian, he is already battling against being tempted, so don’t make it harder. This is one of those thoughts that seems better kept to yourself because it is not going to edify your marriage and is grounded in untrue thoughts about marriage. As Mark Driscoll says, once you get married, your spouse becomes the new standard of attractiveness to you (paraphrased). Another time a comment about a member of the opposite sex being attractive might come up is when one spouse simply states it because they are “open and honest” with one another. This again is an area as Christians where I think we should look to keep our words edifying and for building up. That comment is not helping anyone, so we feel those thoughts would fall under the category of what needs to be taken captive for Christ.

Another example might be discussing your sexual past in detail. I think your spouse has the right to know the number of partners and any health concerns, but beyond that, “openness” isn’t going to help anyone. Or the situation where the professional athlete husband shares what goes on with locker room talk or the “other” activities of his teammates. To us, this is not something that is uplifting in to discuss: it doesn’t help me because then I have to battle against thinking Joe is “just like other men” (which he is not) and it doesn’t help Joe to keep himself apart from that world.

6. Know When to Discuss Serious Matters
When it is time to have open, serious conversation about things, we try to pick a good time to have them. For me, I am not good right before bed. So if we see ourselves going down a path of communication that is going to require some serious communication skills, we may pause it until the next day. I also try to avoid bringing up things right as Joe is heading out the door for practice or a road trip. For us, it also helps to schedule a time if we have something we really want to talk about, so we are both prepared and attentive and have taken the necessary actions to give our undivided attention to one another (kids are in bed or not around, television, computers and phones are off, etc.)

7. Be Held Accountable By Others
This is any area we are very weak at due to our own sin and our lifestyle. We would love to both be held accountable to others individually and as a couple. I am thankful that I have a three women in my own life that I Skype with regularly to share my struggles and ask for prayer and vice versa. Joe and I do not have any other couples that we are able to share consistently with at the present time though and this is a weakness for us right now. It shows we are not plugged into a larger body or a smaller accountability group in the areas we struggle with consistently in our marriage.

8. Look to Out Serve One Another
If you want to ruin your marriage, just look to always be pleased. There is no way that your spouse can ever fulfill every single longing in your heart…God created that part of you to be filled with Him. In order to be truly happy in marriage, look for ways to make the other person happy. The danger of this though is that you can start to get your fill in your spouse appreciating you. So when you serve your spouse, do so in the strength that God provides (1 Peter 4:11) and for the reward that He offers (Galatians 6:9).

9. Don’t Compare Ourselves to Other Couples
Another easy trap for me to fall into is in comparing Joe or our marriage to other people. Each person is different with different giftings and two different people together are going to form a unique marriage. This can be especially easy to do in certain seasons of life. For example, we are in the season of life with young children. Joe does not get up with the kids in the middle of the night. That is just not how we operate. If I become dissatisfied by what Joe doesn’t do, I am missing all that he does do in our marriage and family.

Easy ways that we can set ourselves up for comparison are by following all the happenings of other couples via Facebook, Twitter, celebrity websites and magazines, and engaging our minds in lots of romance movies and novels. Our husband may not be Prince Charming, but we need to remember we aren’t exactly Cinderella either. Fairy tales are called that for a reason and real life is different. I always do better in our marriage when I am consciously setting my mind on the things I am thankful for in Joe and purposely sharing those with him to encourage him throughout the day.

10. Go to Counseling BEFORE There Are Problems
Too many people see counseling as something that people do with “problems”. And often that is true, but marriage counseling can be a great tool to use in order for a professional to help you work through areas of your marriage. If we were in one place more often, this is something I would definitely want us to do. And as we get plugged into a church this summer, it is hopefully an area we can investigate more. There is no shame in going to counseling, especially if it is because you are being proactive to protect your marriage.

One time you may especially want to see counseling is prior to or at the time of retirement from professional athletics. It seems to almost take some couples by surprise, but some day this whole professional sports thing is going to come to an end. And it really could be any day due to injury or just the state of the economy. So it is a good idea to have a plan in place for what your husband and/or you may be doing to earn income when the playing days are over. Financial issues can be a big stress. We are working to have debt paid off and money put away, so those first few years after Joe is done playing aren’t as stressful to find a high-paying job to accommodate the lifestyle we have become accustomed to. Even so, we know that spending may need to drop a bit in those first years and having used a budget now for a number of years should help us transition since we are used to tracking our expenses.

There is also the issue of identity and realizing that a majority of professional athletes divorce once their careers are over. Many of the men and women in these marriages have gotten so used to functioning in the world of professional athletics that they don’t know how to do it afterward. They are used to identifying themselves as a player or a player’s wife and struggle to figure out who they are apart from sports. This is another area where counseling may be wise. Quinnipiac University actually has a program called Professional Athlete Transition Institute.

So those are some ways that we work at our marriage in the professional sports world. On Friday, I will share some thoughts from other professional athletes about how their wives support them and help to build up their marriage.

Filed Under: Christianity, The Baller, The Basket Life, The Basket Wife

Being a Daddy to Daughters

February 17, 2011 By Erin Crispin 6 Comments

On Valentine’s Day, Joe took Elijah out to get flowers for the girls. I posted this picture of Joe with his two little girls on Facebook and got a few comments about how special it is to have little girls have their Daddy as their Valentine. I couldn’t have agreed more and it got me thinking about how important I think it is in this culture for little girls to have a Daddy that loves them and holds up a proper view of what womanhood is to them. I see so many young girls (and women) who dress, act and long for attention from men in ways that it makes me wonder, “Where is their dad?” It really makes me so thankful for all that Joe does for our girls (and our boys, but that is a whole other topic) as their father to make them confident and secure people. Here are some of the things I am most thankful for:

1. Affection. Joe shows our girls affection in various ways. He is physically loving in giving them hugs, kisses and cuddles multiple times a day. He refers to them in loving names (ie. precious, beautiful, sweet). He spends time holding them before bed and praying for them. He gets them to show his affection for them, whether it is flowers or cute, modest clothes or anything else he thinks that might bring them joy.

2. Quality Time. Joe does a wonderful job taking the girls out on “dates” with him to have one-on-one time. He listens to what is going on in their hearts and allows himself to be drawn into their world. He also loves to read to them or play whatever they may enjoy playing (Naomi currently loves to “cook” for him in her kitchen).

3. Respect for their mother. Joe shows them that a woman is valued and respected by the way he treats me. He is affectionate towards me and reminds them consistently of the sacrifice that I make for them and the great treasure that is awaiting in heaven for those who do so. He is also (as my dad always did) makes his highest compliments of beauty to the girls be: “You are beautiful just like your Mommy.”

4. Valuing godly characteristics. Joe also values godly characteristics he sees in other women. He speaks of women who have adopted various children and given up money, time and comfort for the sake of the unloved. He is always exalting the characteristics of humility, perseverance and love for the least of these. Joe also points out characteristics that he does not want his girls to emulate because we feel they are contrary to the Bible. When there are cheerleaders on during a football game, he makes sure to point out that there dress is not beautiful. Joe makes sure to guard his eyes from lustful images as he guards his heart, which shows his girls that that is not something that a man desires to have his eyes bombarded with.

** For more on the great impact fathers have on their daughters, see the book “Strong Father’s, Strong Daughters“.

Joe demonstrates for them daily what it means to be a true man. In this way, not only is he setting them up to look for godly characteristics in their future husbands, but is also giving them their fill of love and affection from a man at home so that they don’t have to go out looking for it in other places.

This is so much like how God works with us. He blesses us abundantly beyond what we can ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20) so that sin no longer has the pull it used to. We are so loved and lavished on by Him that we don’t have to look for our joy and fill elsewhere. At least, it is supposed to be this way.

We all know that we often turn our eyes away from the great beauty of God and forget His wonderful grace and go looking elsewhere for pleasure. But that pleasure never fully satisfies and by God’s great mercy He keeps drawing us back to Him through various means.

I do pray our girls would grow up knowing Joe’s love, but most of all God’s perfect love as the basis for their worth and purpose in life. That because of the love they have from God and their parents they would walk securely and confidently through life knowing that all other promises of pleasure and happiness are only a false hope.

Filed Under: Christianity, Parenting, The Baller

Where Have the 10 Years Gone?

February 10, 2011 By Erin Crispin Leave a Comment

Somebody posted this video on Joe’s Twitter of him winning the NCAA 3-point contest 10 years ago. I look at him and see this little baby-faced 21 year-old and wonder where the time has gone. It seems like it was just yesterday we were in college, but when I see videos like that I realize how much we have been through in 10 years:

- got married
- lived in 5 foreign countries in 8 foreign cities
- had 4 children
- been a part of purchasing 4 different homes
- flown and moved across seas more times than I feel like counting right now

The funny thing is that when I look at that video, I remember being that age and thinking how mature and wise we are. And now of course, I think we are older and wiser. But I am sure I will look back at this point in time 10 years from now, Lord-willing, and realize we still had so much to learn.

Filed Under: The Baller

Struggles of the Basket Life: Complimenting the Baller

February 4, 2011 By Erin Crispin 6 Comments

I think my husband is wonderful. And I could go on and on about how great he is, but you have probably heard it before. I don’t have any problems sharing publicly how great I think he is. But when it comes to our time in private, I tend not to be as expressive. Interestingly enough, I think he is much more vocal privately and a little more tight-lipped publicly. Not really sure why we are that way, but I know we are both working to be better in communicating our thankfulness for one another in all arenas.

A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about why I am not as quick to dole out the compliments at home. Joe had just written a blog post and wanted me to read it to see what I thought. I could tell he was excited about it and kind of fishing for a compliment from me about it. And that is when the thought went through my mind that often does:

“Do you really need to hear how great you are? Don’t you get to hear it enough?”

Ugly thought, but it is one I have had. Maybe other wives don’t struggle with this, but I do. I am home taking care of the 4 kids, cleaning, cooking, and doing other various tasks to help Joe do his job better. Now that is my job. I am happy to be where I am. But there are times when it is hard to do it day-after-day without any public recognition. No one is cheering my name. In fact usually I hear more about how we need something from the grocery store or how someone doesn’t like the dinner I made or how the outfit they wore just yesterday isn’t clean yet.

In contrast, Joe is applauded for his job by many people. They have a cheer for him at the games. People want his autograph. His Facebook fan page has over 1,000 people. He gets e-mails almost daily from people contacting him telling him in some way how they appreciate what he does. So I don’t think it was totally insane to wonder in that moment why he needed more.

Bu then I stopped to think for a moment and realized that he doesn’t need more pats on the back from people who don’t know him very well (although he appreciates them more than most professional athletes I know), he wanted to hear confirmation of love from the one he is in a covenant relationship with.

The Bible defines marriage as a covenant (Malachi 2:14). This covenant relationship is to be the representation to the world of the covenant relationship that God entered into with human beings. God made covenants with Noah and Adam in the book of Genesis, which was a binding agreement from which God Himself would never depart. And the covenant was not made because of something that Noah or Adam had done, but initiated by God as a demonstration of His gracious love. There is plenty of other talk of covenant in the Bible, but one of the most powerful passages to me is found in Ezekiel 16:

Again the word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say, Thus says the Lord God to Jerusalem: Your origin and your birth are of the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.

And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.

When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God. (verses 1-14)

The reason I find this passage of Scripture breathtaking is because God is talking about the way He saw us in our sin before we as Christians were cleansed through Jesus (although at this point the reference is to Israel and how God redeemed them as His people). The image God paints of us in our sin is pretty gross. We were covered in blood, naked, helpless, unwanted by anyone. And yet He set His love upon us and treated us as royalty. When you connect this picture of covenant with the picture of the convenient of marriage it is extremely powerful.

Almost anyone that is married would probably admit that their spouse has seen them at their worst. Joe and I see the parts of each their that no one else sees. It is sinful and ugly and gross. Yet what a powerful image of God’s love when we see that and yet look at one another and say with our words and actions, “I love you despite all of your sin and all your shortcomings. You are still the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I think you are the absolute best.” When we can love like that, the world can understand the kind of love that God pursued us with while we were still dead in our trespasses (Ephesians 2:5 and Colossians 2:13).

So that is why Joe (and I so often) are looking for affirmation from our spouses. It is not because we necessarily needs more strokes to our ego (although it can be), but more often than not is is because the covenant love of marriage speaks the gospel to us. That is why the crowd may get pointed to when Joe hits a three, but it is only me who gets a look of desperation in a time of struggle or frustration during the game. That look says, “You know me more than any other person. You know what I am feeling right now and how to pray for me.”

That kind of covenant love is beautiful and something I want to be quick to remind my spouse of every single day.

Filed Under: Bible Verses, Christianity, Struggles of the Basket Life, The Baller, The Basket Wife