I think my husband is wonderful. And I could go on and on about how great he is, but you have probably heard it before. I don’t have any problems sharing publicly how great I think he is. But when it comes to our time in private, I tend not to be as expressive. Interestingly enough, I think he is much more vocal privately and a little more tight-lipped publicly. Not really sure why we are that way, but I know we are both working to be better in communicating our thankfulness for one another in all arenas.
A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about why I am not as quick to dole out the compliments at home. Joe had just written a blog post and wanted me to read it to see what I thought. I could tell he was excited about it and kind of fishing for a compliment from me about it. And that is when the thought went through my mind that often does:
“Do you really need to hear how great you are? Don’t you get to hear it enough?”
Ugly thought, but it is one I have had. Maybe other wives don’t struggle with this, but I do. I am home taking care of the 4 kids, cleaning, cooking, and doing other various tasks to help Joe do his job better. Now that is my job. I am happy to be where I am. But there are times when it is hard to do it day-after-day without any public recognition. No one is cheering my name. In fact usually I hear more about how we need something from the grocery store or how someone doesn’t like the dinner I made or how the outfit they wore just yesterday isn’t clean yet.
In contrast, Joe is applauded for his job by many people. They have a cheer for him at the games. People want his autograph. His Facebook fan page has over 1,000 people. He gets e-mails almost daily from people contacting him telling him in some way how they appreciate what he does. So I don’t think it was totally insane to wonder in that moment why he needed more.
Bu then I stopped to think for a moment and realized that he doesn’t need more pats on the back from people who don’t know him very well (although he appreciates them more than most professional athletes I know), he wanted to hear confirmation of love from the one he is in a covenant relationship with.
The Bible defines marriage as a covenant (Malachi 2:14). This covenant relationship is to be the representation to the world of the covenant relationship that God entered into with human beings. God made covenants with Noah and Adam in the book of Genesis, which was a binding agreement from which God Himself would never depart. And the covenant was not made because of something that Noah or Adam had done, but initiated by God as a demonstration of His gracious love. There is plenty of other talk of covenant in the Bible, but one of the most powerful passages to me is found in Ezekiel 16:
Again the word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say, Thus says the Lord God to Jerusalem: Your origin and your birth are of the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.
And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.
When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God. (verses 1-14)
The reason I find this passage of Scripture breathtaking is because God is talking about the way He saw us in our sin before we as Christians were cleansed through Jesus (although at this point the reference is to Israel and how God redeemed them as His people). The image God paints of us in our sin is pretty gross. We were covered in blood, naked, helpless, unwanted by anyone. And yet He set His love upon us and treated us as royalty. When you connect this picture of covenant with the picture of the convenient of marriage it is extremely powerful.
Almost anyone that is married would probably admit that their spouse has seen them at their worst. Joe and I see the parts of each their that no one else sees. It is sinful and ugly and gross. Yet what a powerful image of God’s love when we see that and yet look at one another and say with our words and actions, “I love you despite all of your sin and all your shortcomings. You are still the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I think you are the absolute best.” When we can love like that, the world can understand the kind of love that God pursued us with while we were still dead in our trespasses (Ephesians 2:5 and Colossians 2:13).
So that is why Joe (and I so often) are looking for affirmation from our spouses. It is not because we necessarily needs more strokes to our ego (although it can be), but more often than not is is because the covenant love of marriage speaks the gospel to us. That is why the crowd may get pointed to when Joe hits a three, but it is only me who gets a look of desperation in a time of struggle or frustration during the game. That look says, “You know me more than any other person. You know what I am feeling right now and how to pray for me.”
That kind of covenant love is beautiful and something I want to be quick to remind my spouse of every single day.
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