It seems like every week you turn around and another professional athlete is getting divorced. Statistics are vague, but most report that the divorce rate in professional athletics is much higher than the average divorce rate in the U.S. Supposedly the NFL runs a divorce rate of 60-80% and other sports run a similar rate. That means when you are looking at the starting 5 of a basketball team, only 1 or 2 of their marriages may actually last.
So what in the world is going on with divorce in professional athletics? That is a topic I am going to take a few posts to look at over the next couple of days. I don’t have much research to go by or studies I have conducted, so all I am going to give you are my thoughts from someone who has been married to a professional athlete for almost 9 years and seen the sports world from a few different angles.
First I am going to take a look at WHY there are so many divorces among professional athletes. ESPN had a good article on the topic, which I will reiterate some of the points from, but I hope to look at a few additional issues. Here are a few of my thoughts:
1. Marriage Itself is Taking a Hit
It shouldn’t be a shock to any of us that professional athletes are getting divorced at a greater rate because our cultural in general is getting divorced more these days. Marriage is simply not viewed the same as it used to be. Socially it used to be frowned upon to divorce, but these days it has become much more “normal”. So with the whole of society with a rising divorce rate, it should be no surprise that a sub-group with a higher incidence should have a rising rate as well.
2. No Foundation For the Purpose of Marriage
Many people marry for a feeling of “being in love”. That usually means their spouse makes them “feel good”. So when that feeling is gone, there is no other reason to stay married. If you truly step back and think about “why” you are married, the reason will probably tell you if you are going to get through tough times or not. And in marriage there will be tough times…guaranteed. Even many well-meaning reasons for marriage are based upon one or both of the spouses performances (ie. I want to serve this person, this is the person who makes me complete, etc.). The reason that will not hold up over time is because both you and your spouse are going mess up somehow. So if your marriage is based upon performance it will slowly disintegrate.
3. Increased Media Coverage
It seems like more and more athletes are getting divorced not only because they are, but because it is exaggerated even more by media coverage. We not only have news, radio and television to report on it, but there are now tons of gossip websites, Twitter, Facebook, etc. to keep us on top of all the comings and goings of celebrities, including professional athletes. There are even a new crop of television shows (both acted and reality) based upon professional athletes lives. These shows are not helping us as a community to stand up for our marriages as they make infidelity, lying, addiction and financial problems look like the norm. They are a huge part of many professional athletes lives, but they shouldn’t be glammed up. Unfortunately, the world we live in wants to hear the “dirt”. A show about an athlete’s marriage that was happy and free from infidelity, cheating and lying would not be interesting to most people. When was the last time you heard about a successful marriage? You don’t because those marriages either choose to stay out of th spotlight or aren’t interesting enough for media coverage.
4. Marrying for the Wrong Reasons
Many athletes marry for the wrong reasons. Some have high school sweethearts that they feel like have been around for the “long haul” and so they feel like they “owe” it to them to get married. Others avoid marrying too early in order to concentrate on their career, but then it can be really hard to decipher through who is actually interested in you as a person and not merely as an athlete. Other athletes may just look for the woman who will look good on their arm.
5. Co-habitating
Living together before marriage is something that has increased over the last decade as well and is extremely common in professional sports. Because of the nature of the job taking you to other parts of the country or world, many couples choose for the girlfriend to simply move as well. Many studies have shown that co-habitating before marriage leads to a higher divorce rate.
6. More Opportunity for Infidelity
When you have more money, time and opportunity for infidelity, the rate is going to rise. And that is what athletes have. The money that is at many of the top tier athletes disposal makes them more attractive to those who are seeking money and makes covering up infidelity easier. The time spent on the road for many athletes offers opportunity (as does many businessmen), but their notoriety increases that opportunity all the more. Infidelity in any capacity is wrong, but until we have stood in their shoes and experienced the pressures, we should be slow to pass judgment on the pressures almost all of us would cave under but by the grace of God.
7. Luxuries of Being an Athlete Becoming Outrageous
I am married to a professional athlete, and although he is on a much smaller scale than many of the well-known of the world, I see the little perks athletes get. People want to give them things for free, they want to be seen with them or simply get their autograph, they follow them on Twitter, Facebook, etc., they buy and wear their jersey and start fan clubs, etc. All these are luxuries that most of us never experience. And all these luxuries can create spoiled, self-righteous people if the heart is not guarded very carefully. When you start to think you are “all that” it is hard to live in harmony with another in a marriage relationship.
Again, this is not an exhaustive list, but just some basic thoughts as to why we are seeing more and more athletes getting divorced. Tomorrow I will share a couple of thoughts on how we can fight to keep our marriages together, whether athletes or not.
Interesting post, Erin! It’s always sad to hear of a marriage that has failed, and even sadder to see it become fodder for gossip websites and trashy magazines. Divorce may be more normalized today but it is no less devastating. Looking forward to reading the rest of the series!
Ally, you are right it is very devastating and heart breaking for all involved, even if they don’t realize it at the time.
Great topic. I agree with all the points. I do think it’s maybe even higher for overseas athletes because husbands can be away for months at a time. It also seems wives or gf don’t think it’s as easy or tempting to cheat in a foreign place. Can’t wait to see your other posts.
Lindsey, Good point about the opportunity to cheat overseas not being any less. I have to admit I was surprised the first time I saw a foreign woman at a game for a married American man on one of Joe’s teams. Shows how naive I can be.
Great start to this series! I totally agree with everything that you wrote. I also think living overseas can really make or break a relationship because (before children) it’s just the two of you for such a long period of time! I guess you can never finish “working” on your marriage.
Amanda, You are right about the stress that living overseas can put on a marriage. Hopefully int he end it makes you stronger. And great point on always viewing your marriage as a work in progress.
Hah, this is the first i’ll dissagree on a point. I belive that co habiting with a person whom you want to marry is very healthy in so many ways. It gives you a clear insight to what your life will look like after beeing married. One of the reasons marrige breaks is the false expectation…so many seem to belive that the other will miracly change on our better suiting but dont ever expect to give something in return. So if you see the partner for the dates at their best, and spend time just to enjoy and amuse soon after co habiting the excitment might fade asvthe real life kicks in!
about professional athleets, too many of them don’t have therir feet on the ground and here i agree with you 100 per cent. i belive that many marriges fall apart because wifes or girlfriends fail to understand the importance of beeing together and let their partners go on their own. Their careers don’t last a life time And partners support is essential in coaping with everyday stress, problems and fisical fatigue.You arn’t ready to be there for them, trust me tons of others ( groopies?!? Lol) are ,so even if we are talking about supperficial fisical contact, infidality is allmost unavoidable in real life. There are athleets that would not go that way but in my 9th year living this life I have not met one ( i now must add – american ) that has been faithfull to their wifes or gf not living with them. Marrige has ups and downs but should be a blessing for the two. Helping eachother grow trough life in love, respect and bettering eachother is what it is about…And you can’t do it for the both of you on your own. Oh and as the most people who don’t read your blog don’t know is being the family of a pp can have a lot of nice moments but is not as nearly glamurous as most people assume-and thank God it isn’t!
Can’t wait for tomorows sequal, lots of kisses to your wonderful healthy family!
Barbara, I guess this is one point we will have to agree to disagree on
Studies show that although your logic seems to make sense, it doesn’t work that way. And the research even shows that not only does divorce rate almost double with cohabitation, but marital happiness actually decreases. None of us can know if the person we are living with is the person we will actually end up marrying. And past relationships, sexual experiences and just overall baggage are what can be really difficult issues to work through in marriage.
Another reason I don’t agree with it is because as a Christian I believe that God’s design of waiting for marriage for sex is also best. And since I have never met a couple that has lived together and not had sex, these two usually go hand-in-hand. And once again, the studies show that premarital sex is also an indication of a higher divorce rate.
You are totally right about the careers not lasting a lifetime. I am going to touch on that more tomorrow as most divorces actually occur AFTER the career is over. So great points there.
Thanks so much for commenting! Lots of kisses to your family too…and that beautiful little one inside your belly
Not being a part of the professional sports world, I cannot speak to the reasons that the divorce rate is higher among athletes. I do agree with your points about marriage in general, specifically that marriage is taking a hit in our society. In Maryland, where I live, a bill that would allow same-sex marriage was defeated in our state legislature, praise God, due mostly in part to church and religious groups protesting and mobilizing their members! The debate was heated and ugly, but to brought to the font burner the issue of the sanctity of marriage in our society. Same-sex marriage or unions, pre-marital cohabitation (or cohabitation without marriage) and divorce (and ease of access to divorce) denigrate the institution of marriage in our society.
In my opinion, in the general population, the high divorce rate and the incidence of single moms raising children without any male role models for their children contributes to the instability of marriage and the family unit. If children grow up without a mother and a father in the home, they do not have the opportunity to see how healthy relationships function and they are without a good model for which to base their own relationships. I imagine that in the world of professional athletics, the incidence of children being raised solely by their mother is even higher than in the general population. I am not saying that children raised without a father or a positive male role model can never grow up to have healthy marital relationships; obviously, that is not true. It just seems to me that those children will have bigger challenges doing so.
I don’t want to get caught up here on a soapbox, so I’ll just conclude by saying the human relationship of marriage is a precious value in our society characterized by stability, fidelity, permanence and a fertile relationship open to bearing children. The health of marriages is necessary for our survival as a society.
Alex, I think you brought up a very good point that I missed on the role of a father figure and/or a healthy marriage. I often forget that so many of Joe’s teammates did not grow up in the loving family environment. Joe has to remind me when my pride flares up and I am frustrated with some of the social behavior of his teammates about WHERE many of these guys are coming from. He is often humbled at what many of these men have gone through and still come to where they are. It certainly poses a much bigger challenge in having a loving marriage. I know my dad for instance did not grow up with his father, but a step father who was less than loving to him or my Gram. So I am always in awe and thankful at what a wonderful father he is because he really had very little to look to. Thanks so much for bringing that missed point to light.
Erin,
I hope my comment did not come out the wrong way. There are plenty of single moms or divorced moms who do an admirable job raising children who turn out to be good people in general and good partners in marriage.
I was specifically thinking of my husband and his family. His parents were divorced when he was young and before that, the parents had a very bad relationship. He never saw much of his father after that and his mother was an absentee mother, forced to work two jobs to make end’s meat. He and his sisters raised themselves. He had no good model for a relationship and he still struggles with relational issues and parenting issues simply because he has no model on which to base his behavior. He has been very fortunate though. Certainly, many people have had far worse upbringings. It’s just on the forefront of my mind as we are currently dealing with some issues with my step-daughter and her relationship with her father.
Oh no, I was agreeing and saying that I missed that point because I do tend to forget where others come from
Oh, sorry. I’m all over the place today and feel like a scatter-brain.
Deal
Essentialy maby one of the biggest problems of this subject is the fact it isn’t a problem anymore in soo many eyes. It became too easy/simple to divorce and just give up. Not to be missunderstood, i mean the divorce is so common thesedays. Maby because of that a lot of people either rush into it for all the wrong reasons either decide not to get married ( because they feel marrige has lost the sense and became just a paper you can undo when and as you please).
I can only hope,pray my marrige lasts a lifetime, but i sure will do my best to contribute working on it and not taking it for granted.
Interesting choice of topic– definitely one that requires a lot of thought. This is definitely an area of society where the sword is double-edged. On one hand, yes, staying in marriage is ideal. On the other hand, there are some very legitimate reasons to end a marriage, most specific and obvious is abuse, which most definitely occurs in sports marriages. i think you touch some on the ease of divorce (and social acceptability), which really ties back in to the purpose and design of marriage, as you defined it above) and the role of government in that design. Quite honestly, the role of government in marriage has become so distorted that the withdrawl of government from a term that is by your definition the design of God seems to be the proper course of action.
One of the ironies of this topic for me, based on my limited observations (hey, I’m not God. I can’t see it all!
) is those who hold their marriages up tend to be falling apart behind the scenes, yet those who openly admit the work they need to and do put in seem to make it.
BTW– I think Alexandra doesn’t take her analysis far enough on the impact of single motherhood. It doesn’t just contribute to the instability of marriage and the family unit. It one of the roots of poverty, and any discussion that excludes that is missing a big problem in society. However, some people do not wish to talk about it. Yes, most single mothers (or fathers) are working HARD to do the best job given the situation, but the truth is, those families are behind the 8 ball and rising up from that situation is hard. It’s also the footsteps many athletes have walked (and as a non-professional-athlete, one I have walked). Furthermore, I think we need to recognize that divorce is not the sole reason for single parenthood. I’m not trying to say that by not pointing that out, you were ignoring it, but that it is an important consideration when discussing single-parent households and their impact on relationships in the future.
WOW! VERY DEEP…I’VE BEEN M-I-A IN THE BLOG WORLD FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW, BUT THIS TOPIC DEFINITELY STRIKES INTEREST IN ME. WHY? BECAUSE I TOO FEEL DIVORCE IS AN EPIDEMIC AND A SAD ONE AT THAT. I UNDERSTAND THAT RESEARCH AND STUDIES ARE CATALYST TO SO MANY IMPORTANT TOPICS, BUT I MYSELF FIND THAT EXPERIENCE IS BETTER PROOF IN ANY PART OF LIFE.
ALTON AND I ARE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS, WE WERE TEEN PARENTS, WE LIVED TOGETHER BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED AND WE HAVE A VERY STRONG, AND HAPPY MARRIAGE IN CHRIST JESUS. THANK THE LORD!:) YES, WE HAVE OUR UPS AND DOWNS AND IT HASN’T ALWAYS BEEN EASY, AND WON’T BE, BUT I THINK DIVORCE COMES TO THOSE THAT JUST SIMPLY GIVE UP ON THEIR SPOUSE AND MARRIAGE AND ALSO MAY NOT HAVE A GODLY MARRIAGE. AM I SAYING THAT ONLY BELIEVERS CAN LIVE “HAPPILY EVER AFTER?” NO, I CAN’T SAY THAT AND REALLY ONLY GOD KNOWS, BUT AS THE SCRIPTURE SAYS “WHAT THEREFORE GOD HATH JOINED TOGETHER, LET NOT MAN PUT ASUNDER.” MARK 10:9
I DON’T THINK ITS FAIR TO SAY THAT IF SOMEONE LIVED TOGETHER BEFORE THEY WERE MARRIED, THEY HAVE A DIVORCE FUTURE, OR IF YOU HAD PRE-MARITAL SEX YOU HAVE A DIVORCE FUTURE, ETC. BECAUSE THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS…NONE OF US ARE PERFECT AND THIS IS LIFE SO YOU MUST LIVE AND LEARN. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ALL US AND WE ALL MUST FIND OUR OWN WAY . BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ACCEPT CHRIST AS THEIR SAVIOR AND TEACHER.
ALTON AND I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN WHO GOD IS AND HOW WE SHOULD LIVE AS BELIEVERS, BUT I CAN BE HONEST AND SAY, WE HAVEN’T ALWAYS LIVED THAT WAY AND SERVED THE LORD. ITS BEEN EASY TO “BACK SLIDE” IN THIS INDUSTRY, BUT AS WE HAVE MATURED AND SURROUNDED OURSELVES WITH OTHER BELIEVERS,FOUND CHURCHES ABROAD AND FORMED COUPLES BIBLE STUDIES, OUR CHRISTIANITY HAS SUSTAINED, THEREFORE OUR MARRIAGE AS WELL. SERIOUSLY, ALL GLORY TO GOD!
I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE WIVES THAT WORSHIPS HER HUSBAND AND THINKS HE COULD NEVER BETRAY ME BECAUSE I’VE SEEN IT HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF THEM. INSTEAD I WORSHIP GOD AND KEEP FAITH IN HIM THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO BLESS MY MARRIAGE. I LOVE AND TRUST MY HUSBAND AND THANK GOD HE HAS BECOME THE GODLY MAN I PRAYED FOR AND VICE VERSA. I CAN SAY THAT RIGHT NOW…WE DO NOT HAVE A DIVORCE FUTURE, BUT BEING A CHRISTIAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU ARE PERFECT AND THAT YOU WON’T BE TRIED AND TEMPTED. I’M SAYING THAT TO SAY THIS, I THINK LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF GOD’S BLESSINGS. MEANING…IF YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH A MARRIAGE WORK AT IT, PRAY FOR YOU HUSBAND, PRAY FOR YOUR UNION! THE DEVIL IS ALWAYS LURKING ESPECIALLY AMONGST MARRIAGES. I DO AGREE THAT THE MEDIA MAKES DIVORCE ALMOST FASHIONABLE, SIMPLE, TRENDY….IF IT’S NOT WORKING MOVE ON TYPE OF THING. WELL, THAT’S NOT WHAT MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSE TO BE ABOUT. YOU WILL HAVE UPS AND DOWNS…HINCE “FOR BETTER OR WORSE.”
OUR CULTURE SHOULDN’T WALK IN THE SHADOWS OF CELEBRITIES OR WHAT THE MEDIA PORTRAYS. YOU MUST KNOW THAT IT IS ENTERTAINMENT AND NOT “THE” WAY OF LIFE. C’MON! THIS IS WHY I FEAR FOR MY CHILDREN’S GENERATION AND STAY PRAYED UP FOR THEM. WE MUST PROTECT OUR YOUTH AND IT STARTS IN THE HOME.
SOMEONE MENTIONED WIVES THAT DON’T TRAVEL WITH THEIR HUSBANDS ARE CLUELESS AS TO THE GROUPIES THAT LURK ABOUT? I CAN SEE THAT. YES, LADIES THERE ARE GROUPIES! I TRAVELED WITH MY HUSBAND FROM DAY ONE AND MORE TIMES THAN NOT, I WAS THE ONLY WIFE. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW UNCOMFORTABLE SOME OF THE PLAYERS MADE ME WHEN THEY WOULD BRING DIFFERENT GIRLS AROUND WHEN I KNEW THEY HAD SOMEONE BACK HOME. BEING AS OUTSPOKEN AS I AM…OF COURSE I EXPRESSED TO THEM THAT THEY WERE BEING DISRESPECTFUL, BECAUSE THEN I WAS SUPPOSE TO SMILE AND GRIN IN THE WIVES FACE ONCE SHE CAME TO VISIT? I DON’T THINK A WIFE SHOULD BE BLAMED FOR A FAILED MARRIAGE OR HER HUSBAND CHEATING BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T CHOOSE TO TRAVEL WITH HIM, I MEAN WHO REALLY KNOWS THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES AND WHY THEY CHOOSE NOT TO TRAVEL. PERHAPS HE SHOULD CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CAREER AND STAY HOME? PERHAPS IT IS IN FACT BEST FOR THEIR FAMILY, YOU NEVER KNOW, SO NO ONE SHOULD JUDGE. DO I THINK ITS BEST TO STAY TOGETHER? FOR US, I THINK SO. AT THE SAME TIME, I’VE ALSO HEARD OF HUSBANDS CHEATING ON WIVES THAT WERE RIGHT THERE TRAVELING WITH THEM. TO ME IT COMES DOWN TO THE INDIVIDUAL AND THEIR BELIEFS. IF YOU WANT A HAPPY MARRIAGE YOU WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE IT HAPPY(AND IT TAKES 2), IF YOU WANT TO CLUB, YOU WILL GO OUT TO CLUBS, IF YOU WANT TO LIVE GODLY, YOU WILL SEEK HIM. ITS THAT SIMPLE! THE HARD PART IS STAYING FOCUSED AND THAT’S WHY WE MUST STAY IN HIS WORD DAILY. GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE ARMOUR NEEDED TO PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE AND MOST OF ALL YOUR SALVATION IF YOU ACCEPT HIM. MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE FOR ANY REASON UNDER THE SUN THESE DAYS, ITS VERY SAD. I PRAY THAT MORE HUSBANDS AND WIVES WILL HONOR THEIR VOWS AND PROTECT THEIR MARRIAGE. ERIN, I COMMEND YOU FOR BRINGING UP THIS SUBJECT BECAUSE IT IS DEFINITELY A EPIDEMIC, NOT JUST IN THE PRO-ATHLETE WORLD, BUT THE WHOLE WORLD. AT THE END OF THE DAY, I BELIEVE THAT WE DO LIVE IN THE TIME OF RAPTURE. THOSE THAT DON’T STAND STRONG WILL GIVE INTO TEMPTATION AND EASILY FALL TO THE WAYS OF THE WORLD. “…AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD.” JOSHUA 24:15
I definitely don’t think any of these things necessarily “guarantee” a divorce, but I do believe that all of them can be risk factors. Just like having risk factors for heart disease don’t necessarily mean you will have the disease. But it is wise to know the risk factors so that you can do all you can to battle against it. And even as in health, just because mistakes have been made doesn’t mean you can thrive and make better decisions in the future. So my point was more to see what factors in combination could often lead to higher divorce rates and also to help those in our positions see things they may have to be on the lookout for as potential dangers in their marriage.
I definitely agree with you on not worshiping your husband and realizing he is capable of failing, just as we as wives are. I think those that are most in danger are those who think it could NEVER happen to them.
Interesting how much you have seen from the “groupie” scene b/c I have witnessed very little of it in the 9 seasons I have experienced with Joe. I can remember one situation when he was in the minor leagues and 2 situations overseas where I saw more than one woman. Either I am just missing it or Joe has had some good teammates. Overall, I think he has played with some good guys
I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM ABOUT RISK FACTORS, WHICH IS EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE….THAT JUST BECAUSE A STUDY OR RESEARCH SHOWS SOMETHING, DOESN’T MEAN IT PERTAINS TO YOU. AND YOUR RIGHT…THE WIVES AND EVEN HUSBANDS THAT THINK IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO THEM ARE IN MOST DANGER AND SADLY, ITS PROBABLY ALREADY HAPPENING.
AS FAR AS THE GROUPIE SCENE…AS I STATED IN MY 1ST COMMENT, ALTON AND I DIDN’T ALWAYS LIVE A GODLY LIFE STYLE SO WE WERE OUT THERE IN THE CLUBS RIGHT ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE. WHEN YOUR OUT AND ABOUT YOU SEE A WHOLE DIFFERENT SIDE, THEN JUST SEEING THESE GUYS INTERACT AT GAMES AND TEAM AND FAMILY FUNCTIONS. AND I’M NOT SAYING THESE ARE BAD GUYS, ALTON HAS ALSO HAD GOOD TEAM MATES. HOWEVER, I DO THINK THAT IF YOU HAVE A SPOUSE AT HOME, YET YOU KEEP THE COMPANY OF A “GROUPIE,” THEN THAT IS A BAD CHOICE. I MEAN, EVEN THE SMALL AMOUNT OF TIMES THAT YOU SAY YOU HAVE WITNESSED IT, IS TOO MUCH. FOR ME THIS TOPIC JUST REALLY HITS HOME RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I HAVE A COUPLE GIRLFRIENDS WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THIS UNFORTUNATELY AND NOT JUST OVERSEAS. ALL WE CAN DO IS PRAY!
That is a very good point on the groupie scene. I have probably not seen it as much because we are such home bodies! And I do agree that the amount of times I have seen it is too many. Thankfully only one of those times involved a marriage b/c to me that is even more devastating. Thanks for sharing more thoughts, Anita
Hi Erin,
I ran across your blog while surfing for any information on the topic you have wrote about. I know the post is dated, but I wanted to share my thoughts as the wife of a retired NFL player. I found that although we were married prior to him entering the NFL, we were naive of the pitfalls that were waiting once we entered. There is little information that is given on how to safeguard your marriage in this arena. After a couple of years in the league I discovered that he was cheating and it almost landed us in divorce court. I find that many of them cheat out of the need to always have their ego pumped or to manage the stressful competition. Many times divorce is high after game because the players fall into a crisis it’s difficult for them to sculpt a life outside of the game. We partner with a marriage retreat after God restored our marriage after the devastation and aftermath of the infidelity. Marriage is never easy and being in the life style of a professional athlete only hightens the need for support, counseling, and prayer.