FAQ: How Do You Employ Grace and Mercy in Your Parenting?

In answering this question, I will first define what I believe to be grace and mercy in order that I am clear in the question that I am answering.  We believe the definition of each to be:

Grace: free or undeserved kindness or favor shown by God; no matter what you’ve done or haven’t done

Mercy: forgiveness or compassion given to us by God for something that we’re guilty of doing (hence the word offenders).

So although they are similar, there is a bit of a difference when you look at the definitions.  Mercy is given to those who have done wrong, while grace is a gift given to someone who has done nothing to earn it.  I know many people feel that the concepts of grace and mercy cannot co-exist in families where children are spanked or told that they are sinners.  For us, this is the very reason that grace and mercy can be shown in our family.

The best way we know to show these elements of grace and mercy are through the message of the gospel.  Grace and mercy shine most beautifully through the gospel of Jesus.  A very easy way to share the gospel with the children is through something as simple as The Gospel Song by Sovereign Grace Music:

Holy God in love became
Perfect man to bear my blame
On the cross He took my sin
By His death I live again.

Here we see the elements of the gospel in that God is perfect (holy), we sinned, God came and took our punishment on Himself on the cross in order that we could live the life we were meant to live.  Gospel, which actually means “good news”, could not be good news if there were no bad news (ie. that we are sinners who need a Savior).  It is like telling someone that they have found a cure for stomach cancer.  Of course, they would be happy to hear that, but the news is even greater if you have told them that they have stomach cancer.  So grace and mercy are communicated every time that we show our children that they fail to be perfect as God is perfect, yet God sent His Son to die for them so that they are forgiven and empowered to live in freedom from sin.

Grace is not simply the free gift of salvation, but also the free gift that allows us to live differently here on earth.  As Titus 2:11-14 says:

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

If we communicate to our children that they are forgiven and given the free gift of salvation but can continue to live anyway they would like, we are doing a great disservice to them and belittling the work of Jesus on the cross. Forgiveness does not mean that we can continue to live as those who have not received mercy or that our wrongs will not still be punished. As Hebrews 12:5-6 says:

My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.

Then it goes on to link God’s discipline with us to how we should discipline our own children

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:7-11)

This shows that discipline is to be done for the good of the person out of love. So even discipline in parenting can be a gracious act if done from the right motive. A lot of people get caught up in the mode of discipline and miss the motive. They may not agree with spanking, but even things like timeouts can be done from a unloving heart. When we yell, disrespect, ignore, give the silent treatment, bribe, appeal to pride or use a host of other strategies with our children, it is not grace and mercy that is being shown forth.

The discipline must be concluded with the promises of hope though.  This is where we show forth God;s grace and mercy when we share the precious promises of Scripture that point to the good God is working to act on our behalf to make us more like Jesus.  We communicate the hope for change and the glorious promise of one day being free from sin and spending eternity worshiping Jesus as we were created to do!  Without the hope of God’s work on our behalf, only despair will set in.

Our goals as parents are to show our children that they are sinners who need a Savior. And they are sinners who are being raised by sinners themselves. So we identify with their struggles, ask for forgiveness ourselves, pray with and for them and communicate our love in as many ways as we can find possible. It is a great responsibility to raise these young hearts for God’s glory and although we are certainly flawed in doing it, we continue to strive to do it in a way that God is shown as beautiful and precious.