I realize I posted already today, but I was sent an article today by fellow Basket Wife and friend Cara, who is currently living in Japan. Living in an Eastern culture, she found this article on Chinese parenting intriguing and sent it along to some of her other mom friends asking for their thoughts. Of course, those of us who blog, if we are going to write some thoughts down, we will probably just turn it into a blog post.
The article is by Amy Chua, the author of the new book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” and is entitled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior”. What I read knocked me back a bit (actually had me in tears a few times feeling for this woman’s children) and was not what I expected to read at all. It was definitely forthright and basically was pitting “performance-oriented, strict, Chinese parenting” against “self-esteem minded, relaxed Western parenting”. Now Ms. Chua does use both these terms loosely, not to categorize every Chinese or Western parent this way. But the main premise of the article is why she has been able to produce amazingly talented and intelligent children (along with many other Chinese parents), while Western parents are often bringing up mediocre children that simply feel good about themselves.
As I read through and tried to process my thoughts, I clicked a related article on a review of Ms. Chua’s book. The opening line of the review said this:
There’s nothing like parenting for uncovering our most deeply held beliefs.
That is when I realized why I was so bothered by Ms. Chua methods of parenting. It is the same reason I do not agree with the self-esteem, let’s-just-be-friends with our children style of parenting. Both parenting styles flow from different core beliefs than from what I have. I had to step back and check my attitude though because upon reading the article I can easily become proud in my own parenting (even though I think some of the tears and sorrow I had over how her children were being treated were legitimate). But the truth is that I make mistakes daily. I am in no way a superior mother. But I did think it was a good time to step back and really think about what are my core beliefs and goals for parenting my children. Because as Ms. Chua pointed out, she had three main mindsets about her own parenting:
1. Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches. Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
2. Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything.
3. Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preferences.
Because she has these core beliefs, she then worked out her parenting using certain behaviors and methods. Because I am a Christian, I think that the Bible offers the best understanding of human beings: our potential, our motivation and our desires.
So what is my goal as a parent? And what core beliefs do I have as the basis to that goal? Joe and I have continually said that our goal as parents are to raise children who love Jesus and overflow in that love to be a blessing to the world. The best way we know how to show them Jesus is through sharing the Word of God with them (at home through the Bible, prayer, family worship time and reading good books, being in a body of believers and being examples of the kind of parent God the Father is). When you look at the Bible as a story from Creation to the Fall to Redemption, here are some key themes that I see that God shows us about Himself that I want to include in my parenting.
1. God Overflows with Joy and Created Man in His Image To Do the Same
2. God is Creative
3. God Delights in His Children
4. God is Perfect and Just
5. God is Merciful and Gracious
6. God is a Giver of Hope and a Worker of Change
It is too much to go into all of these things for this post, so I will continue on with these thoughts tomorrow. But I will say briefly that because of these themes/mindsets, we do cherish many of the same ideas that Ms. Chua seemed to hold dearly: diligence, obedience, respect for elders, strength of character, etc. But the way that we motivate our children towards these things is completely different than her methods because of what God has revealed about Himself and us in the Bible.
OK. I’m going to wait to see what else you have to say before I respond, but I will say, I think your tears were legitimate, and the methods employed in the article brought tears to my eyes too.
Erin,
Amusingly enough, my father sent me the same article yesterday morning, with his comment attached, “I thought you were tough, but you are no Chinese Mother!” I also checked out her book on Amazon and can’t help but think that this is just some ploy to stir up debate, and obtain some publicity. I know I was just shocked beyond belief when I read the article.